Random thoughts

We are childless for the entire weekend! That's a good and bad thing for me. On the one hand I miss my babies to the point of almost physical pain but on the other hand it is really nice to have all that responsibility lifted from me for just a little while. So I'm both ok and a little depressed at the same time.

Normally on a Saturday I'd be doing laundry while playing WoW because the game has a little alarm clock so I can relax between loads without losing track of time. Not today though. Today the silly breaker won't stay on so I'm stuck until the hubs makes a fix that'll stick! We've replaced that one breaker several times over the almost two years we've lived here. The wiring in this place is just weird!

My father sent me a card with a little birthday money in it. He was hell to live with, drunk, volatile, verbally/emotionally abusive on his best days and sometimes physically abusive. I cut little holes in the side of my matress to hold a few knives and practiced drawing them sometimes just in case he got really crazy. Our bedrooms didn't have locks on the doors but I discovered that if I pushed sneakers under the door really tight it made it hard enough to open the door that it might buy me a few seconds. Isn't that crazy? A child self teaching tactics like these? But these particular problems of the past are easy to talk about and don't really hurt or make me angry anymore. I've dealt with these, carefully sifted through them, reached my conclusions, and buried the bodies. All I have left is the memories. It was awful at the time and left me with quite a lot to work through in my early adulthood but no big deal now. It's just what I had to get through to get where I am. I'd never, ever live with my father again but I've reached a peace when it comes to him where I've forgiven him the past. Now I can admit that for all his faults and problems there are some things I can really count on him for, not many but a few, and one of those things is he never forgets my birthday. I love you, Dad.

A visit to the dumps

Here I am, depressed, and I don't really know why. Yesterday was actually a great day for the most part! I decided to have a day off, just play WoW all day, had some quality time with hubby that left my legs shaking (have I mentioned lately how much I love that man??? lol), and one of my favorite dinners, spaghetti. After dinner we were playing WoW when I decided I'd join some of our guildmates for a series of attacks on the enemy cities just for funsies. It started out fun but along the way I got killed, reported that I couldn't rejoin the group because an enemy had me staked out, and they simply left me behind. Just a game...no big deal...what else do you expect on that game...but my recent bouts of loneliness took the opportunity to jump me.

I have no friends. No one really cares except my husband and children. Considering my social phobia, being Pagan/bi/and another secret that I haven't yet named, and that our local community is very Bible Belt-ish I'm not likely to make any friends.

And this leads me in a downward spiral dropping me in an unelegant heap face down in the muck of The Dumps. Jan. 27th I'll be 39 years old... I already feel like I'm having the first symptoms of menopause. How lovely! I had to have Panic Disorder hit me unusually early in life and now I may get to experience menopause earlier than average in life. No friends... No career and not likely to ever have one... I feel fat and dumpy from this persistant extra 50 lbs... My skin is breaking out like crazy... Instead of my usual patient, unflappable self I can go from happy to dark and sullen in the blink of an eye...

Blah, blah, blah, whatever. I'm gonna go play WoW. Hope your day is going way better than mine :)

Is it over yet?

Last night we unexpectedly had two friends over visiting for one of our Game Nights but told them right off that I was feeling awful. One of the poor things had the very same ICK as I do so we all decided to just hang out together and chat instead. My dear, sweet, wonderful husband filled me and our sick friend up on scalding hot rum toddies! So by the end of the night my hubs was off driving our well friend home while I made up a bed on the couch for our sick friend to stay the night since he was too full of toddies to drive home and much too cozy in front of our fireplace to go home to a chilly house.

Determined to get a few things done I got up at a fairly decent hour this morning and after a nice, warm bath felt like I might grudgingly live through another day. But I made a mistake! I sat on the edge of the bed to put my shirt on! Though the bath made me feel less like every joint was being sawed apart and more like I'd just been very lightly worked over with a baseball bat I felt heavy and icky and the softness of the bed was just too much. The next thing I knew I was screaming myself awake from another nightmare, rolled over to see why my husband hadn't shook me out of it like he usually does, and found that it was 3 pm! Ugh! So I shoved myself out of bed, still clothed, and started dashing around trying to catch up on everything I'd planned to do today.

Until my husband talked me into sitting in my comfy chair with my laptop. A whole day wasted on sleeping and World of Warcraft??? *sigh* Yeah. But I have to say I do feel somewhat better this evening and hope to get some good sleep and wake up feeling better!