Magic, Love and New Beginnings

So four days later I get to finish telling you about the important part of New Year's! I've mentioned before that my husband and I have a few things to overcome within ourselves individually. I deal with depression and a few anxiety type disorders and he also deals with depression and anxiety type disorders, mainly PTSD from his experiences in Desert Storm. It's normally very tough for him to feel like he's physically fit enough to do most things but he can't shake the intangible damage inside. In *some ways* mental damage can be harder to live with than physical damage. If he'd come home paralyzed no one would think twice about it but because he appears just fine physically people often assume that he's just an unemployed deadbeat. Even if they know about the PTSD many people that haven't had to deal with mental illness can't understand why you can't just get medical treatment to fix it and get back to life. It tears me apart inside but sadly these attitudes are so prevalent even today that he even buys into some of it himself which only makes things that much worse!! New Year's evening he was telling me that he felt bad. He says he feels useless, out of shape, terribly lonely, that he's falling behind on things we said we wanted, and so on.

Thankfully though I'm still getting over this awful cold or whatever it is that's been trying to kill me off I've been in a decent place within myself so that I could help him. It often works out that way between us which is a blessing in our lives, that we each have someone who truly understands what it's like and is usually in a strong place where we can help lift the other one up. First I dismissed his self denigrating remarks! Just late last April he was thrown from a bucking horse and broke almost all the ribs on his left side. He not only broke the ribs he broke them BAD! The doctors were amazed first that they used an ambulance instead of getting a copter for faster transport to the closest major trauma hospital and next that with all the jagged shards of rib flung all over inside of him he somehow miraculously didn't shred his lung! They warned us that it would probably be at least a year to heal and another year until he'd learned to live with the new aches, pains and twinges that he was going to have from it for the rest of his life. So everything he had to complain about is nothing more than the natural result of healing from such a bad injury!

The next step was to figure out together what WE are going to do about it. I've always believed that if anyone in my family has a problem our whole family has a problem! I normally don't do New Year's resolutions because too often the goals tend to sound great when they're made but in the long run turn out to be pretty unreasonable for one reason or another. Instead of becoming a tool for self improvement I end up feeling guilty and "not good enough" yet one more time in a lifetime full of those negative feelings! But I felt that my wonderful husband needed some kind of goal just then to shoot for so I broke my rule but tried to do it wisely. I simply vowed that in 2010 he and I both would try different things to improve upon these things that were bothering us. And that's the key, my friends! Set a goal that you know you can achieve to help build your confidence and give you some momentum with which to achieve more! You have to build some things up one step at a time starting with one humble step.

We haven't done TOO much, it's only been four days after all, but we've already taken some steps on our road of improvement that I feel pretty darn good about! For social opportunities we've decided to give the Unitarian Universalist churches in Austin a try and visited one of them Sunday. I've had nothing but wonderful experiences with UU really! The people that gather in UU churches tend to be, in my experience, some of the most open minded and accepting people anywhere who share several things in common with us. I've been conditioning our tack in preparation for some serious work on the horses with or without a round pen. My poor sweetie admitted to me that since his injury he's been a bit scared at the thought of getting on his horse. I decided right then that I was going to go out, work on the horses on a regular basis, get up riding, and simply show him by example that what happened to him was a chance accident that doesn't have to ruin his enjoyment of horseback riding. We both miss our scuba diving horribly! Our last dive was the 2008 annual Christmas Dive a local dive club does each year! It's far too cold to do any regular diving right now but we did check into a new dive shop in Austin and have plans that when the weather turns warm enough again we'll pack our gear, go to the UU service on Sundays then hop over to Lake Travis for a little diving (maybe even a little more socializing at the same time if we dive at Hippy Hollow!!).

We're talking about and planning lots of different things along the same lines but the important thing is we're exploring what will work for us, not making unreasonable promises to do everything we discuss and try on an ongoing, regular basis! So really if you look at it we've already fulfilled our New Year's resolution just with the very small things we've already done! We want to keep that momentum going, of course, but from here on out it's all gravy! lol There's my "love" and "new beginnings" I promised to tell you about from New Years. The "magic" part I'll just leave you to wonder ;)

To touch

When a woman gets pregnant there is this strange phenomenon where everyone wants to rub her belly. Ok, in some ways I can certainly understand this. I admit that I too get urges to rub a pregnant woman's belly or ask to hold a perfect stranger's new baby (but I don't just do it). I think most people are touched and excited in some ways to see these awe inspiring examples of innocent new lives coming into our world and simply want to connect (maybe even REconnect???) with that somehow. I truly do understand that! But there are some people in the world that for whatever reason are not comfortable with being touched and who has the right to judge someone for that?

Growing up my parents weren't very snuggley-wuggley touchy feely sorts so I was probably "touched" in anger more often than with love. It wasn't until I found Wicca and joined an open circle as a very young adult that I really realized just how much this affected me. This circle was a group of generally wonderful, open, warm people. Their usual greeting was to give great big hugs and going skyclad (naked) wasn't out of the ordinary. At first I was VERY uncomfortable with this but I had to admit that I liked it too! It wasn't very long amongst these folks that some startling realizations hit me -- being naked, intimate body contact, both at the same time -- NONE of it had to equal anything sexual! That may sound a bit silly to some people but before I wasn't familiar with touching others very much outside of romantic or sexual types of contact so it was hot-off-the-press news to me! I quickly grew to really love the people of that circle, learned to be comfortable with social nudity, and couldn't get enough of hugs, holding hands, standing around with an arm draped over a hip or shoulder...just touching and being touched in ways that I should've been by my family growing up.

Only a few years later I had moved away and was pregnant with my first son. I was the first child in my family and my husband was the first in his to give our parents a grandchild and each of our grandparents a great-grandchild. Needless to say there was a LOT of excitement and anticipation on both sides of the family!! Most of them either seemed to know that they weren't familiar enough with me to touch me and a few I was fine with them rubbing my belly except one. My husband's grandmother was polite enough to me but it was clear that she didn't feel I belonged in her family. More than once she would smile in my face then speak badly of me to others which is a practice I've always held in contempt. But for some reason while I was pregnant she thought it was perfectly ok to fondle my belly in the most intimate of ways!! I asked her not to, had my husband ask her not to, but she went right on doing it or even did it then backed away dramatically saying "Oh! I forgot that you don't like to be touched!" in a particularly snotty way.

Almost every time I managed to leave as fast as I could to hide the tears of anger, shame, and mixed up sickly hot emotions. I felt like a freak. I told myself that *normal* people would handle the situation with so much more social ease. I imagined his family still out there sneering at how awkward, inept, and ungrateful I was to treat them as if I couldn't even bear for them to touch me when they had been so nice to welcome me into their oh so proper family. I didn't know what to do. I felt downright violated! I thought I was wrong maybe but I still felt justified! Finally in desperation I told my husband that if she grabbed me just one more time I swore I would grab her firmly by both shrivelled breasts and loudly ask how SHE liked being felt up! I don't know what he said and I don't care. All I know is that she did stop which made it so much easier for me to relax and at least TRY to be social with his family.

Years later now I realize that I wasn't right or wrong. I was in the spot emotionally where I was at and I didn't have to explain or justify it in any way. It was still MY body and I had the right to accept or not being touched by anyone. It wasn't my fault that his grandma decided to take offense to this instead of behaving like a rational, mature adult and simply talking to me about it. I had nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

Also I have to happily say that all of these experiences helped me be a better mother! From birth I have been just as "touchy" with my children as they could possibly stand! I've taken every opportunity to maintain loving contact with them. They're now 12 and 15 yrs old, a time when I've heard many boys start to want nothing much to do with their parents, and they still run to give me long, happy hugs in the morning, don't hesitate an instant to come lay against me, put a head on my shoulder or lap, stop on their way by to give me a kiss, let me nuzzle their sweet necks, stroke their backs, and just generally pour out all infinite love I have for them. Maybe I still would've been just as demonstrably affectionate with them without my past experiences, there's no way I could resist being completely in love with these two wonderful scamps, but at the very least it makes me realize just how very important these touches are in their lives now and in the future. If I had to go through hell to learn this and benefit my babies then it was all worth it and I'm so thankful for it!

Just a day

Nope. I'm just not in the mood today to wrestle my inner demons on here, challenge beliefs, or even think too hard! Last night we lit up the fireplace for the first time this year and this morning there were still lots of toasty warm coals burning away on some large chunks of wood. Ahhhh! It's sooo nice sometimes to wake up to that comforting warmth! Also last night I treated myself to a completely unhurried warm bath and played with my lovely new body scrub, lotions, and such. My darling husband even scrubbed my back with them for me which was wonderful! Then I stripped down the bed, put on fresh new sheets, and just laid there for awhile savoring the little currents of air from the fan, lazily stroking here and there to enjoy the warm silky feeling of my skin.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well, more nightmares waited for me about a sickly baby and other odd things, but that's not out of the ordinary and hasn't left me feeling like the walking dead today. My skin still feels just heavenly, there's this warm little fireplace, warm sweet coffee, and the children's vacation starts today! All my boys will be home with me for at least a week!! Ahhh I can already feel some of the tension melt out of my shoulders just thinking that they'll all be here where I can take care of them. We must make our traditional gingerbread men and turn the monsters loose with tubes full of icing to decorate, hopefully JUST the cookies! lol I'll make the really good homemade hot cocoa with lots of little marshmallows, wrap them up in the morning with fluffy blankets toasty fresh from the drier, and they will get their presents from us and their grandparents. Watching them get presents is the best part of it all for me!

I hope your day goes as divinely as mine has so far!!

Getting to the BOTTOM of the Lil Black Dress

Is that title CHEEKY enough for you, Magaly? ;)

My mom and sister had closets full of fine fashion, spent hours laying outside to achieve that perfect tan, and heaven forbid that anyone should see them without their hair and makeup done! Mom took after her mom, my Maw Maw, and my sister naturally took after Mom. I much preferred my jeans, t-shirt, and comfy sneakers. My skin was a rich, golden tone because I spent my days in trees, riding bikes, walking my dog, or exploring the drainage ditches. Doing my hair consisted of washing and running a hasty brush through it. And me putting on makeup? Hah! Why? To sweat it off, have a dog lick it off, or cover it up with dirt?

When I got the word that my Maw Maw had passed away I was in my 20s and hugely pregnant with my first child. When we all came together to gather ourselves to make the trip to the funeral I tearfully had to admit to my mother that I didn't even own a dress appropriate for a funeral. My mom and sister shared a quick look that said "we should've anticipated this" and we all burst out laughing. It's amazing to me that in the midst of even crushing grief people can often find moments of genuine humor.

As I never had before I allowed these two to lead me from store to store, obediently trying on whatever they passed me, and found that I actually felt a small pang of regret that I hadn't participated in their shopping sprees before. I finally realized that even if I was completely uninterested in the clothes I had missed a lot of fun times I could've spent with Mom and my sis. Sure there were quite a few moments where we'd tear up, pause to support each other as a wave of sorrow passed over us, but there were also many times that we'd share a fond memory of Maw Maw, smile, remember good times. And what probably touched me the most is while I was ready to wear whatever complicated, frilly, where-the-heck-does-THIS-part-go thing they decided on they took who I was into account. Without me saying a thing they settled on a black, cotton dress with no decorations or frills, it just slipped on over my head and settled into place. A perfect dress for me.

For almost 15 years I kept right on wearing that dress until it just wore out so bad I had to reluctantly admit that it was time to let it go. You might wonder why I'd want to keep on wearing it considering that it was bought under such sad circumstances but honestly I didn't associate it with the loss of my Maw Maw. Whenever I took it out to wear it brought a small, fond smile to my lips as I remember the special opportunity it gave me to bond a little more with my mom and sister. I consider it a last lesson and gift from the kindest, most gracious, generous lady I ever knew.

I miss you Maw Maw.

Of Mountains and Molehills

Today I counselled a young man who was very agitated about the state of his relationship with a young lady.

"I like her but I can't really like her because I have a really busy life and I've never been in a real relationship before and don't you have to give more time than I have to have a real girlfriend and I don't know if I'm ready to be in a relationship because I think it's all just moving way too fast but I do like her but I don't know what to do and I don't want to just sleep with her and dump her but..."

*shake my head in wonderment* Why do you youngins make it all so complicated? Listen, relationships can be easy as pie! You've been having them all your life! You have a relationship with your parents, siblings, neighbors, pets, teachers, friends, co-workers, and everyone else with whom you interact!

I hear you yelling already... "But a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is different!"

Of course it's different but they're ALL different! You love your parents different than you love your friends which is different from the way you love a pet...are you starting to see? Why do you think they call it "FALLING in love?" Because it can be as easy as falling off a log! And there's a very good reason we use the terms we do for it, girlfriend/boyfriend...because that's exactly how it should be. Your significant other should first and foremost be the best friend you ever will have.

So please, take a deep breath and do try to let go of all this fluttering about! You just meet up with someone you like who shares some of the same interests as you. Become friends! Go have fun together! If things deepen into something more then let it happen easily and naturally. There's no rush so enjoy the ride.