Tuesday, March 2, 2010


What am I still looking for? I'm content with what I have in life so far. A family, home of our own, my horses, those are all the things that I really wanted in life but there's something still missing. I've searched my heart and mind more times than I can count and sometimes I'm not sure but sitting here at the computer right at this moment it's clear that there's something else. And it's not the usual "I want/I need" type of thing because I could easily list loads of those! I'd like my van fixed so that we have two working vehicles again. I'd like to go to Pagan Spirit Gathering this year. I really want to do some more scuba diving. I need to figure out why these things from my past still hurt like they do, get some closure and put it behind me. But no, I think there's still some fundemental element that I need to be fulfilled. I believe what I'm looking for is a job!

So what's stopping me? I don't just want a job. I want to really do something that fills in that last spot in me! But what? That's the biggest thing holding me back, I think, not knowing what job to do! All my life right up till college the only thing I wanted to do was be a veterinarian. After working in a pet shop, running a rescue, and all the other animal related things I've done in life I'm actually grateful that I didn't become a vet! Having such a big part of my life subjecting myself to seeing an endless parade of animals suffering from ignorance, abuse, and neglect just might have ruined me. As much as I love animals and as qualified as I am to work with them in a variety of fields I really think that it's best I don't include them in my professional life.

There's things now and then that grab my interest, becoming a Bradley instructor , scuba instructor, certified hypnotist, pet sitter...that list is darn near endless but my interest in them fades out. Since I don't have to work at all in order for us to stay afloat financially I want to find something that I love! I want to be one of those blessed people that get up in the morning feeling happy that they get to go into work! So what would I enjoy that would hold my interest long term? I think it might be people.

People are endlessly fascinating to me but they also scare me to death and I worry that I don't get along well with them. I don't know why though! For instance, we've now gone to this new church in Austin three or four times and everything's great so far. We've met quite a few very friendly, interesting people which I've enjoyed immensely! I like them just fine and they seem to like me just fine but I know that the longer I'm around these same people the closer I get to a day when I don't like them and they don't like me for some reason. Maybe I'm too strange. Maybe I don't accept other's shortcomings easily enough. Maybe I'm not confident enough in myself. Hmmm this is something I'll have to really think about. I'll letcha know more about it next Tuesday.


  1. "I like them just fine and they seem to like me just fine but I know that the longer I'm around these same people the closer I get to a day when I don't like them and they don't like me for some reason."

    Sounds like you are looking for failure rather than looking for success (with people)...and even if you are, why not enjoy them while you can and let the future take care of itself...

  2. You know, you don't have to like everything about a person to like that person. (E.g. some character traits in my boyfriend simply drive me mad. Really. I could hit him over the head with something heavy over and over and over... and well, I still love him and even moved in with him a month ago and do not intend to kill him, so that seems to work just fine. *g*)

    If you are not sure what kind of job to do, why not try several things? I never imagined I would love sitting in an office translating medical reports for 7 hours per day, but I actually do. (I only started studying to become a translator since I like languages and wanted regular working hours.) Just look for something, try it out for a few weeks or months, and if you don't like it, you can still quit.

  3. Judy, you're right, of course! It's just how it's always gone in my past. If you keep doing the same things over and over you have to expect the same outcome though. So I guess it's what I expect but I'm looking for WHY and how I can do something different so that it doesn't always turn out that way.

    Diandra, congratulations on the move-in!! That's a big step and I wish the two of you all the happiness in the world =)

    That's been my job M.O. all my life, I've tried on a gazillion jobs, but I always leave feeling like I've been run out because of personal/office politics which also leaves me feeling more like a freak and failure. They never end well! But at this point learning how to deal with and interact with people is the hurdle I have to jump to get where I want to go so ok! lol

  4. I want to go to the Pagan Spirit Gathering too! Hm, maybe we can meet face to face there...

    Until then, please stop by Pagan Culture, you've been tagged! http://pagan-culture.blogspot.com/2010/03/bittersweet.html