Saturday, January 23, 2010

Random thoughts

We are childless for the entire weekend! That's a good and bad thing for me. On the one hand I miss my babies to the point of almost physical pain but on the other hand it is really nice to have all that responsibility lifted from me for just a little while. So I'm both ok and a little depressed at the same time.

Normally on a Saturday I'd be doing laundry while playing WoW because the game has a little alarm clock so I can relax between loads without losing track of time. Not today though. Today the silly breaker won't stay on so I'm stuck until the hubs makes a fix that'll stick! We've replaced that one breaker several times over the almost two years we've lived here. The wiring in this place is just weird!

My father sent me a card with a little birthday money in it. He was hell to live with, drunk, volatile, verbally/emotionally abusive on his best days and sometimes physically abusive. I cut little holes in the side of my matress to hold a few knives and practiced drawing them sometimes just in case he got really crazy. Our bedrooms didn't have locks on the doors but I discovered that if I pushed sneakers under the door really tight it made it hard enough to open the door that it might buy me a few seconds. Isn't that crazy? A child self teaching tactics like these? But these particular problems of the past are easy to talk about and don't really hurt or make me angry anymore. I've dealt with these, carefully sifted through them, reached my conclusions, and buried the bodies. All I have left is the memories. It was awful at the time and left me with quite a lot to work through in my early adulthood but no big deal now. It's just what I had to get through to get where I am. I'd never, ever live with my father again but I've reached a peace when it comes to him where I've forgiven him the past. Now I can admit that for all his faults and problems there are some things I can really count on him for, not many but a few, and one of those things is he never forgets my birthday. I love you, Dad.


  1. You've come a long way...You can be proud of yourself...What you've gone through brings a tear to my eye...Enjoy your birthday money...

  2. Judy: Aww no tears for this part of my past! This part I've dealt with already and feel that I'm in a pretty healthy spot with it. The more recent past is what's tearing me up right now but what can I do but go on like I did recovering from earlier traumas, right? Hopefully one day I even will be proud of myself! When that day comes I guess I'll know that I'm really getting back to where I want to be.