Compromise Me

For some reason I've really struggled these last few days to decide to come make a post. Trying to screw up my courage I started with the parts of me that were a bit easier to talk about but I'm coming closer to the skeletons that hide deeper in my closet. Even now I find it hard to keep typing as my mind scrambles away from them telling me to post about the last handful of days, talk about the pets, explain the world that is Warcraft or any role play game but for heaven's sake get away from the back of that closet!! *sigh*

Recently I said something to the effect that I'm ok with being in the closet right now because I've been brave and open in the past but now is my time to lay out and heal. One day I will be called on to come to the front again so I'm content with all of that. The truth is I really want to believe that but in this case I say it only in an attempt to believe it. On this point the ugly voice in my head jeers at me, "coward!" I believe it and I feel something inside me crumble away admitting that.

When I first found Wicca I greedily soaked up information from any source I could find. Some people explore the different pantheons, sampling to see what works and feels best to them, but some, like me, are claimed. During this period of learning I began to feel as if there was a presence at my back, one hand on my head, one on my shoulder, and the name "Freya" whispering in my mind. Of course, Conscious Mind had to get in the way! C.M. got busy telling me I was being silly, all I knew about Freya was she had something or another to do with Vikings, and what on earth did Vikings have to do with me???

Eventually I did learn more about Freya and the Nordic pantheon and for some reason I can't explain it all just felt so RIGHT. Not only that but I admired a lot of their ways and ideas. The people lived hard lives and they became tough from their trials. There was no time or room for sitting around worrying! In their minds the gods had each of their lives mapped out already so what use was worry? When a battle came along you ran to battle and fought with all of your heart and soul because you never knew the hour of your death. The Valkyries, lead by Freya, would scour the battlegrounds searching out the very best warriors and heros to take to their great reward, Valhalla. Everyone else would find themselves facing the goddess Hel in a grim underworld.

This was something I could get behind and would lift me up from the day I accepted Freya. Except for being in the military there are no more big battles like in the days of the Vikings but I reasoned that the gods wouldn't hold that against anyone. There are still battles to fight in our world against hatred, illnesses, within ourselves, and more. So my goal was to work hard and fight hard and never give up! I did just that for years fighting and working within myself to overcome my illnesses and in the world living openly as a Wiccan to do my part to prove that there's nothing to fear from us, teaching those that wanted to know more, doing anything that came my way with my heart and soul. It worked! One day I simply realized that, at least in myself, I was exactly where I'd been struggling to be, healthy, proud, happy at last for about a year.

Then my world shattered around me. I'd had one year of bliss followed by one year more or less of pure hell then a few years later here I am like a whipped dog hiding from the world. I've lost my faith. The bright, shining, heroic heights that I aspired to are tarnished and dull. I don't know how to put myself out there anymore. I don't feel the solid support of a presence behind me anymore. Those great heros would've leapt to the very back of the closet, grabbed the biggest, scariest skeleton they could find, dragged it out into the daylight and whipped it's butt for all to see! This blog is like a teeny tiny step on the path leading back to that one wonderful year and still I shy away from the contents in the back of my closet. *sigh* Still got lots of work to do, my friends.

Curve Ball

This one comes to you straight out of left field! When I woke one morning a long time ago I had half a scene stuck in my head apparently concocted from part dream, part joke I'd recently heard. It was one of those things that will annoy the living hell out of you until you put it down on paper so I did. This comes with a few little disclaimers, explanations, and what nots...

1. This is not meant to offend, upset, or in any way, shape, or form rile up anyone of any religion. If you can't take a joke, even about serious subjects, you should probably stop reading my blog altogether right now.
2. This is unedited, given up to your tender mercies as fresh and strange as the first day it made it's way into words. I started to edit it then mentally smacked my hands away. For some reason I like it this way all rough and unpolished!
3. In my dream I was a deity known as Lady Chaos who was responsible for making sure things didn't get a chance to stagnate. If things got too quiet anywhere it was my job to shake things up a little bit, maybe even create a tiny bit of careful destruction to make way for new growth. This is written from "her" point of view.
4. If you've ever read "The Tao of Pooh" then you already know that this seemingly bumbling, simple minded little guy is actually a genius deity disguised as a stuffed bear. You shake your head in wonder saying, "Pooh Bear is a GOD??!!" But of course!! lol

One day a few of us Divines were sitting around discussing the state of the world. We all pretty much agreed that it was high time that I did something to kick up some new excitement but what? Setting Dubbya up then knocking him back down was hilarious for awhile. Some of the things I made that poor schmuck say and do were so outrageous we were shocked that no one caught on it was me planting that load of crapola in his head! You humans can be so darn easy sometimes! But jerking him around was just getting so yesterday! We all started going through the usual list of hot topics guaranteed to get at least one group of humans or another frothing at the mouth. Politics? Nah. Like I said, I'd kinda had my fill of that for now with Georgie-boy and I'd probably stirred up enough trouble with the whole upcoming vote for the moment. Sex? While your sexual antics (hah, more like anti-antics with some of your crazy ideas!) are as funny as a weiner dog with a hot dog tied to the end of his tail I already had some projects in the works in that area and wanted to see how they panned out first. Pooh had been laying on his back making urpy noises like a balrog with a bad sinus infection (that bear just can't hold his liquor!) when suddenly he rolled up like some weeble wobble gone wrong to a sorta sitting position.

"You haven't done much regiloush...resigious...religioush..."

"Religious you lightweight pansy-ass fuzzball!" roared Odin laughing as he snatched the mead horn away from Pooh knocking the bear back over.

"Thash what I shaid." Pooh replied smugly.

Now that subject certainly held some interesting possibilities! Sidenote: You might think that the last one I pulled in the area of religion was that nasty business with the Catholic church priests and those children but you'd be dead wrong. Yeah sure, I really love my job stirring things up among you mortals and all us Divinities think it's just the most amusing thing since you guys decided to venture down from the trees that an order that's looked down it's nose at so many other religions has been exposed as having such a repugnant skeleton in it's own closet but there's some lines even I won't cross. Doing that to children is just wrong, period, and for any of you who care yes, all the guilty parties in that whole sick fiasco will find themselves in a very special hell one day. The SPECIAL...hell...

Coyote suddenly got this evil little gleam in his eye that told me that he had something good in mind."Did I tell you about the human who was joking about the Rapture? He said what if the Rapture had already come and all the humans left simply didn't realize it because they chose the wrong religion? So he starts calling all the different places of worship asking about it but when he calls the Unitarian church there's no one there! He was just howling about it saying 'Noooooooo not the Unitarians!!!" Coyote was gasping for breath as he collapsed in giggles.

Man, you just have to love the tricksy Divinities! I get some of my best ideas from them.

So what do you think my little poppets? Has the Rapture come and gone already? Just how sure are you that you picked the one and only "right" religion? What makes you so sure that all the other religions claiming to be THE one and only "right" one are wrong? I think I'll just plant that little kernel into a few key heads then sit back to enjoy the show. Sweet dreams.