For some reason I've really struggled these last few days to decide to come make a post. Trying to screw up my courage I started with the parts of me that were a bit easier to talk about but I'm coming closer to the skeletons that hide deeper in my closet. Even now I find it hard to keep typing as my mind scrambles away from them telling me to post about the last handful of days, talk about the pets, explain the world that is Warcraft or any role play game but for heaven's sake get away from the back of that closet!! *sigh*
Recently I said something to the effect that I'm ok with being in the closet right now because I've been brave and open in the past but now is my time to lay out and heal. One day I will be called on to come to the front again so I'm content with all of that. The truth is I really want to believe that but in this case I say it only in an attempt to believe it. On this point the ugly voice in my head jeers at me, "coward!" I believe it and I feel something inside me crumble away admitting that.
When I first found Wicca I greedily soaked up information from any source I could find. Some people explore the different pantheons, sampling to see what works and feels best to them, but some, like me, are claimed. During this period of learning I began to feel as if there was a presence at my back, one hand on my head, one on my shoulder, and the name "Freya" whispering in my mind. Of course, Conscious Mind had to get in the way! C.M. got busy telling me I was being silly, all I knew about Freya was she had something or another to do with Vikings, and what on earth did Vikings have to do with me???
Eventually I did learn more about Freya and the Nordic pantheon and for some reason I can't explain it all just felt so RIGHT. Not only that but I admired a lot of their ways and ideas. The people lived hard lives and they became tough from their trials. There was no time or room for sitting around worrying! In their minds the gods had each of their lives mapped out already so what use was worry? When a battle came along you ran to battle and fought with all of your heart and soul because you never knew the hour of your death. The Valkyries, lead by Freya, would scour the battlegrounds searching out the very best warriors and heros to take to their great reward, Valhalla. Everyone else would find themselves facing the goddess Hel in a grim underworld.
This was something I could get behind and would lift me up from the day I accepted Freya. Except for being in the military there are no more big battles like in the days of the Vikings but I reasoned that the gods wouldn't hold that against anyone. There are still battles to fight in our world against hatred, illnesses, within ourselves, and more. So my goal was to work hard and fight hard and never give up! I did just that for years fighting and working within myself to overcome my illnesses and in the world living openly as a Wiccan to do my part to prove that there's nothing to fear from us, teaching those that wanted to know more, doing anything that came my way with my heart and soul. It worked! One day I simply realized that, at least in myself, I was exactly where I'd been struggling to be, healthy, proud, happy at last for about a year.
Then my world shattered around me. I'd had one year of bliss followed by one year more or less of pure hell then a few years later here I am like a whipped dog hiding from the world. I've lost my faith. The bright, shining, heroic heights that I aspired to are tarnished and dull. I don't know how to put myself out there anymore. I don't feel the solid support of a presence behind me anymore. Those great heros would've leapt to the very back of the closet, grabbed the biggest, scariest skeleton they could find, dragged it out into the daylight and whipped it's butt for all to see! This blog is like a teeny tiny step on the path leading back to that one wonderful year and still I shy away from the contents in the back of my closet. *sigh* Still got lots of work to do, my friends.
Sweating out the on-sub process
12 hours ago