Monday, November 30, 2009

Compromise Me

For some reason I've really struggled these last few days to decide to come make a post. Trying to screw up my courage I started with the parts of me that were a bit easier to talk about but I'm coming closer to the skeletons that hide deeper in my closet. Even now I find it hard to keep typing as my mind scrambles away from them telling me to post about the last handful of days, talk about the pets, explain the world that is Warcraft or any role play game but for heaven's sake get away from the back of that closet!! *sigh*

Recently I said something to the effect that I'm ok with being in the closet right now because I've been brave and open in the past but now is my time to lay out and heal. One day I will be called on to come to the front again so I'm content with all of that. The truth is I really want to believe that but in this case I say it only in an attempt to believe it. On this point the ugly voice in my head jeers at me, "coward!" I believe it and I feel something inside me crumble away admitting that.

When I first found Wicca I greedily soaked up information from any source I could find. Some people explore the different pantheons, sampling to see what works and feels best to them, but some, like me, are claimed. During this period of learning I began to feel as if there was a presence at my back, one hand on my head, one on my shoulder, and the name "Freya" whispering in my mind. Of course, Conscious Mind had to get in the way! C.M. got busy telling me I was being silly, all I knew about Freya was she had something or another to do with Vikings, and what on earth did Vikings have to do with me???

Eventually I did learn more about Freya and the Nordic pantheon and for some reason I can't explain it all just felt so RIGHT. Not only that but I admired a lot of their ways and ideas. The people lived hard lives and they became tough from their trials. There was no time or room for sitting around worrying! In their minds the gods had each of their lives mapped out already so what use was worry? When a battle came along you ran to battle and fought with all of your heart and soul because you never knew the hour of your death. The Valkyries, lead by Freya, would scour the battlegrounds searching out the very best warriors and heros to take to their great reward, Valhalla. Everyone else would find themselves facing the goddess Hel in a grim underworld.

This was something I could get behind and would lift me up from the day I accepted Freya. Except for being in the military there are no more big battles like in the days of the Vikings but I reasoned that the gods wouldn't hold that against anyone. There are still battles to fight in our world against hatred, illnesses, within ourselves, and more. So my goal was to work hard and fight hard and never give up! I did just that for years fighting and working within myself to overcome my illnesses and in the world living openly as a Wiccan to do my part to prove that there's nothing to fear from us, teaching those that wanted to know more, doing anything that came my way with my heart and soul. It worked! One day I simply realized that, at least in myself, I was exactly where I'd been struggling to be, healthy, proud, happy at last for about a year.

Then my world shattered around me. I'd had one year of bliss followed by one year more or less of pure hell then a few years later here I am like a whipped dog hiding from the world. I've lost my faith. The bright, shining, heroic heights that I aspired to are tarnished and dull. I don't know how to put myself out there anymore. I don't feel the solid support of a presence behind me anymore. Those great heros would've leapt to the very back of the closet, grabbed the biggest, scariest skeleton they could find, dragged it out into the daylight and whipped it's butt for all to see! This blog is like a teeny tiny step on the path leading back to that one wonderful year and still I shy away from the contents in the back of my closet. *sigh* Still got lots of work to do, my friends.


  1. I think this is a beautiful start to regaining your courage. :) And you know, I do not believe that courage is meerly the absense of fear. Courage is being afraid, being terrified even, recognizing your fear, and then stepping out to face whatever enemy comes against you. You're doing a fantastic job so far. ;)

    These Nordic beliefs reminds me a lot of a scene in the movie "Whip It." It's about a roller-derby team, but there's one part where a girl walks up to her favorite player and says "You're my hero." The older woman smiles and tells her to get herself a pair of skates and "Be your own hero." I've always thought that was a great line. It's great to have someone to look up to, but it's better to become someone that's worthy of being a role model...

    Anyhow, I look forward to seeing what else you have to reveal. And I hope that in some small way our support will help you feel brave again. :)

  2. I think that you aren't giving yourself enough credit; Like you said, you ARE on the path back to that great year. That counts for something, you're at least trying. You really don't have to dig up everything out of the back of the closet at once, you were right to give yourself some time to heal.
    Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are a hero, even if you aren't in battle. Think of all the people you could have inspired during that one great year! And now you're slowly but surely making your way back to who you were. I think that's heroic as well - you didn't just lie on your back and die, you're limping on still! It's heroic to me that you haven't given up.
    Please at least think about that Clandestiny ;)

  3. When you're ready, sweetie. All in good time. this has to be your safe haven to emotional freedom from all the *crap* that life throws at'll get there.

    I just know it!

  4. You are taking that step, and that is the important thing. And I love it that you took the Freya battle hero as your inspiration to do good in the world. That's really a terrific way to harness the spirits around us; not for physical battle but for bettering people's lives. That says so much about the goodness in your heart. Just keep taking steps!

  5. Clandestiny, I believe you are being too hard on yourself. I don't have that many details, but life is not always easy; you have had some "kicks in the teeth" which take their toll. Give yourself some time to recover; keep your secrets, everyone has secrets. Courage includes knowing what should be kept secret. Take a deep breath, duck your head and keep on slogging forward. You'll get there...

  6. Wow! I can't believe how touched I am by your words! I wanted to reply right away but I got all choked up and couldn't think of anything except how much I love you guys for your caring and wisdom.

    Carrie, you know that's exactly what I tell my boys, that being brave means going on to do what you feel you should even while being scared out of your wits. Like most I guess I'm pretty good at dishing out a bit of wisdom but not good about applying the same words to myself.

    Jon, on my road to recovery that lead to that one great year I figured out that there are many paths to success in life but only one path to failure, to give up. If you keep going you won't win every battle but you can still win the war. I knew this but somehow forgot :)

    Kathryn, I hadn't looked at this as a "safe haven" I guess because I've never had one! I like the idea though. There's a lot holding me back from giving in completely to that idea but I will keep wrestling with those bad thoughts because I'm sure that's something that I need. Wow, I even think that if I'd had that worked into my perceptions during that great year the horrible year wouldn't have knocked me as far back as it has!

    Dreamfarm Girl, the funny thing is that's really one thing that I want in life, is to better the world somehow. That's something that I've thought about, when I die what would I want to leave behind? Ok, I admit that I wouldn't mind leaving riches behind to take care of my boys but in general what do I want to leave behind in this world? I'd really like to have at least one (but the more the better lol) to say that I helped them in some way, made things better somehow.

    Judy, this is not the first time I've been told I'm being too hard on myself! lol I've never been good with secrets and maybe that's some part of the lessons I have to learn right now. Oh I'm great with other people's secrets! If someone asks me not to tell something I'll go to my grave with it but with my own I probably have been too open in the past. Definitely an idea that I'll have to really mull over for a time.