The Hamster from Hell

This one's for you, Kathryn!!

All my life I've been mad for animals of all sorts so when I was young I thought there could be no better job for me than to work in a pet shop.* One day I walked into the employee's area to find a shoe box on the counter with the words "Hamster from Hell" written on the side. I started laying into the other employees left and right!

"Oh you WEENIES!!! Holy smokes it's just a HAMSTER!! How bad could a cute lil HAMSTER possibly be?? Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves being scared of a wee lil hamster!! The poor thing has probably been traumatized half to death by some child then was shoved in a dark box and jostled around with weird sounds and smells to get back here. Who WOULDN'T bite after something like that! Jeez you SISSIES!!"

Completely confident I stepped up to the box and lifted the lid a bit. Sure enough there was the adorable lil guy standing up on his back feet. He was paused in the act of doing that unbearably sweet face washing thing they do twitching his whiskers as he sniffed the air peering in my direction. AWWWW!!! After all that he'd been through I didn't want to startle the lil guy so I carefully lowered just my index finger into the box on the far end from where he was to let him approach me and sniff if he felt calm enough instead of the other way around. I made tiny little "come 'ere lil fella" motions talking softly and soothingly to him.

This hamster did not approach tentatively. He did not walk over. He didn't even RUN over! This hamster performed a supernatural leap from his end of the box all the way over to where my finger was on the other end and sank his incisors all the way through the tip of my finger! Of course I began screaming, startled and in pain, dancing madly around the room, waving my hand around in the air frantically while this hamster hung on for all he was worth. He was like a tiny little banner sailing proud and fierce through the air declaring for hamsters everywhere "We are sick and tired of this and we just won't take it anymore!"

With difficulty I finally managed to fling the demon possessed little darling off. Another employee quickly popped the box over him and scooped him back up with a decidedly smug smirk on her face. I stood there, panting, wild eyed, dripping blood steadily onto the floor staring at the box in shock while others gathered around to ooh and aah over my horribly wounded finger discussing whether I shouldn't pop over to the hospital for a stitch or not.

Being the store manager after I staunched the bleeding and doctored my finger I had a call to make to the vet.

"Dr. XXXX? Do you perform exorcisms?"

*I always feel obligated to admit my ignorance at the time and so hopefully educate others that any pet shop that sells puppies and/or kittens (or any live animal actually) perpetuate the cruelty of mills and horrible breeding. I have since researched and seen first hand that these places make a profit at the expense of hundreds of innocent, hurting animals. If you really do love animals never make a purchase from any shop that sells puppies/kittens.