Compromise Me

For some reason I've really struggled these last few days to decide to come make a post. Trying to screw up my courage I started with the parts of me that were a bit easier to talk about but I'm coming closer to the skeletons that hide deeper in my closet. Even now I find it hard to keep typing as my mind scrambles away from them telling me to post about the last handful of days, talk about the pets, explain the world that is Warcraft or any role play game but for heaven's sake get away from the back of that closet!! *sigh*

Recently I said something to the effect that I'm ok with being in the closet right now because I've been brave and open in the past but now is my time to lay out and heal. One day I will be called on to come to the front again so I'm content with all of that. The truth is I really want to believe that but in this case I say it only in an attempt to believe it. On this point the ugly voice in my head jeers at me, "coward!" I believe it and I feel something inside me crumble away admitting that.

When I first found Wicca I greedily soaked up information from any source I could find. Some people explore the different pantheons, sampling to see what works and feels best to them, but some, like me, are claimed. During this period of learning I began to feel as if there was a presence at my back, one hand on my head, one on my shoulder, and the name "Freya" whispering in my mind. Of course, Conscious Mind had to get in the way! C.M. got busy telling me I was being silly, all I knew about Freya was she had something or another to do with Vikings, and what on earth did Vikings have to do with me???

Eventually I did learn more about Freya and the Nordic pantheon and for some reason I can't explain it all just felt so RIGHT. Not only that but I admired a lot of their ways and ideas. The people lived hard lives and they became tough from their trials. There was no time or room for sitting around worrying! In their minds the gods had each of their lives mapped out already so what use was worry? When a battle came along you ran to battle and fought with all of your heart and soul because you never knew the hour of your death. The Valkyries, lead by Freya, would scour the battlegrounds searching out the very best warriors and heros to take to their great reward, Valhalla. Everyone else would find themselves facing the goddess Hel in a grim underworld.

This was something I could get behind and would lift me up from the day I accepted Freya. Except for being in the military there are no more big battles like in the days of the Vikings but I reasoned that the gods wouldn't hold that against anyone. There are still battles to fight in our world against hatred, illnesses, within ourselves, and more. So my goal was to work hard and fight hard and never give up! I did just that for years fighting and working within myself to overcome my illnesses and in the world living openly as a Wiccan to do my part to prove that there's nothing to fear from us, teaching those that wanted to know more, doing anything that came my way with my heart and soul. It worked! One day I simply realized that, at least in myself, I was exactly where I'd been struggling to be, healthy, proud, happy at last for about a year.

Then my world shattered around me. I'd had one year of bliss followed by one year more or less of pure hell then a few years later here I am like a whipped dog hiding from the world. I've lost my faith. The bright, shining, heroic heights that I aspired to are tarnished and dull. I don't know how to put myself out there anymore. I don't feel the solid support of a presence behind me anymore. Those great heros would've leapt to the very back of the closet, grabbed the biggest, scariest skeleton they could find, dragged it out into the daylight and whipped it's butt for all to see! This blog is like a teeny tiny step on the path leading back to that one wonderful year and still I shy away from the contents in the back of my closet. *sigh* Still got lots of work to do, my friends.

Curve Ball

This one comes to you straight out of left field! When I woke one morning a long time ago I had half a scene stuck in my head apparently concocted from part dream, part joke I'd recently heard. It was one of those things that will annoy the living hell out of you until you put it down on paper so I did. This comes with a few little disclaimers, explanations, and what nots...

1. This is not meant to offend, upset, or in any way, shape, or form rile up anyone of any religion. If you can't take a joke, even about serious subjects, you should probably stop reading my blog altogether right now.
2. This is unedited, given up to your tender mercies as fresh and strange as the first day it made it's way into words. I started to edit it then mentally smacked my hands away. For some reason I like it this way all rough and unpolished!
3. In my dream I was a deity known as Lady Chaos who was responsible for making sure things didn't get a chance to stagnate. If things got too quiet anywhere it was my job to shake things up a little bit, maybe even create a tiny bit of careful destruction to make way for new growth. This is written from "her" point of view.
4. If you've ever read "The Tao of Pooh" then you already know that this seemingly bumbling, simple minded little guy is actually a genius deity disguised as a stuffed bear. You shake your head in wonder saying, "Pooh Bear is a GOD??!!" But of course!! lol

One day a few of us Divines were sitting around discussing the state of the world. We all pretty much agreed that it was high time that I did something to kick up some new excitement but what? Setting Dubbya up then knocking him back down was hilarious for awhile. Some of the things I made that poor schmuck say and do were so outrageous we were shocked that no one caught on it was me planting that load of crapola in his head! You humans can be so darn easy sometimes! But jerking him around was just getting so yesterday! We all started going through the usual list of hot topics guaranteed to get at least one group of humans or another frothing at the mouth. Politics? Nah. Like I said, I'd kinda had my fill of that for now with Georgie-boy and I'd probably stirred up enough trouble with the whole upcoming vote for the moment. Sex? While your sexual antics (hah, more like anti-antics with some of your crazy ideas!) are as funny as a weiner dog with a hot dog tied to the end of his tail I already had some projects in the works in that area and wanted to see how they panned out first. Pooh had been laying on his back making urpy noises like a balrog with a bad sinus infection (that bear just can't hold his liquor!) when suddenly he rolled up like some weeble wobble gone wrong to a sorta sitting position.

"You haven't done much regiloush...resigious...religioush..."

"Religious you lightweight pansy-ass fuzzball!" roared Odin laughing as he snatched the mead horn away from Pooh knocking the bear back over.

"Thash what I shaid." Pooh replied smugly.

Now that subject certainly held some interesting possibilities! Sidenote: You might think that the last one I pulled in the area of religion was that nasty business with the Catholic church priests and those children but you'd be dead wrong. Yeah sure, I really love my job stirring things up among you mortals and all us Divinities think it's just the most amusing thing since you guys decided to venture down from the trees that an order that's looked down it's nose at so many other religions has been exposed as having such a repugnant skeleton in it's own closet but there's some lines even I won't cross. Doing that to children is just wrong, period, and for any of you who care yes, all the guilty parties in that whole sick fiasco will find themselves in a very special hell one day. The SPECIAL...hell...

Coyote suddenly got this evil little gleam in his eye that told me that he had something good in mind."Did I tell you about the human who was joking about the Rapture? He said what if the Rapture had already come and all the humans left simply didn't realize it because they chose the wrong religion? So he starts calling all the different places of worship asking about it but when he calls the Unitarian church there's no one there! He was just howling about it saying 'Noooooooo not the Unitarians!!!" Coyote was gasping for breath as he collapsed in giggles.

Man, you just have to love the tricksy Divinities! I get some of my best ideas from them.

So what do you think my little poppets? Has the Rapture come and gone already? Just how sure are you that you picked the one and only "right" religion? What makes you so sure that all the other religions claiming to be THE one and only "right" one are wrong? I think I'll just plant that little kernel into a few key heads then sit back to enjoy the show. Sweet dreams.

Standing before you in red faced shame

Beloved readers, the dear, sweet Magaly has given me a lovely award for my comments! I didn't know it was award worthy, though I won't argue with Magaly. If she says it then it must be so! Here it is:

Wherever this award originated from my compliments to you! I want to giggle everytime I look at it. Just some big ole mouths walking around yelling "blah blah blah blah" to the world! Priceless!

But now I must tell you all the shameful truth and pray you won't turn from me in utter disgust for I do love you all so! I have failed to decipher the magical incantations that will give my awards a place of honor on my page permanently. I know, I know!! I'm a computer dummy!

If anyone is left reading this would you, could you please tell me how to do this???

Blood on my Hands

Today when I awoke I took the time to luxuriate in the cozy softness of bed. My little white cat was curled into a warm ball under my chin but her eyes opened to slits and she rumbled a small complaint. Her Highness was displeased with my waking movements! I took the time to think back over my life so far, the pain of where I've been and the goodness of where I am. A soft smile curved my lips as I looked at the sleeping form next to me who's a large part of everything good in my life right now. My eyes misted up a bit and my chest ached as my love for him overflowed the bounds of my heart. Gods thank you for my husband!

I walked down the stairs and heard the familiar scrambling of dogs on tile on the other side of the baby gate vying to be the first to greet me for the day. I stopped for a moment to chuckle fondly at them, each one wagging, wiggling, and jumping in delight while grinning at me madly in their doggy way. Hiding my smile I stepped through the gate composed and serene, the thrashing mosh pit of furry bodies respectfully parted around me. The cats may believe I am their servant but my dogs know me as the Supreme Ruler of all I Survey so I must not disappoint them! I said a soft hello to the birds on my way to the kitchen which they returned with various calls, stretches, and wild wing flaps. Coffee pot on, shoes on, so outside I went.

Walking toward the horse pasture I noticed the array of small butterflies. Not long ago the air was filled with the ones I believe are called Painted Ladies. This morning the cool air was alive with wings of a striking, yellow/orange color like beautiful Fall leaves playing in the breeze. The horses usually anticipate my arrival and this morning was no exception. As I gathered up their rations of pellets and hay I paused to watch them running to meet me. Glorious and gorgeous, moving with such power and grace but making it look completely effortless. They stopped just short of crashing through the fence and made their usual sounds of impatience clearly telling me to hurry.

As the feed hit the horse's buckets the chickens and turkey came running to gobble up the bits the horses dropped. I smiled at them with a little twinge of sadness, gave the horses a final pat, and continued on my morning rounds. The dogs were next and they knew it! Just like every morning they were in a frenzy of anticipation! I gathered their bowls calmly whirling with lightening speed to fix any that got offensively eager with a glare that left the troublemaker looking suitably chastised and acting calmer.

They watched me carefully measure out their breakfast. My Great Dane, unable to contain his excitement, went galloping down the fence with the female Heeler fast on his heels and the little Manchester trying to catch up. When I came back out they dutifully contained themselves and took their places in the grass. They waited while I wet each bowl with a little water and put each of their bowls in their own special spot. The male heeler decided to test me a little but I caught him putting just one paw on the pavement, whirled, and glared at him. He quickly withdrew the paw with a sheepish look of "yeah, ya caught me." When all the bowls were down I turned to look at them critically and they looked intently back at me. Yes, they were being very respecful so with a bright "OK!" they each broke position, raced to their own bowls, and started joyfully gulping food.

Then I spent an hour in quiet contemplation as I sipped my coffee. I remembered how small and pitifully ugly that little turkey had been when we first brought him home the past Spring. At first he and the little red chick were too small to be outside so they lived in a cage inside. They were so messy that several times a day I had to let them out so I could replace their paper, food and water. That turkey was the first to leap out each time as if he truly enjoyed the little outings. He'd walk around the room looking at everything, tasting many things, then would suddenly race across the floor flapping his bald wings furiously. He left me in stitches when he'd just as suddenly come to a stop and peer around as if he fully expected to be soaring through the air and was a bit confused about why he was still firmly planted on the ground! There was a time not very long ago when we almost lost him. He'd fallen into the horse's trough sometime during the night. When we discovered him on our way to feed the horses in the morning he was barely able to keep his head above the water. He was completely exhausted and horribly hypothermic. The poor thing had struggled so hard the tips of his wings were raw. We wrapped him snugly in a big quilt, checked him often, and waited. We were so relieved when he was able to stagger to his feet that evening and apparently completely recovered the next day. Coffee gone it was time to wake my love and get to work.

I held the bowl as he ate his favorite tidbits, lunchmeat, cheese, bagel and cream cheese, and finely shredded apple. I opened myself to him and the Universe and willed my words and feelings into being. He was a good turkey. I was very sad to see him go but I was also thankful for the time we had with him. I thanked him humbley for his sacrifice so that my family could eat. I promised I will never forget him. My husband carefully grasped his neck cutting off the blood flow. He gave one great jump and powerful flap then went quiet. When sure he was unconscious so that he would feel no pain we finished our grim work. I felt a bit sick, my guts tight and uncomfortable but it became easier as I worked plucking feathers, gutting, and meticulously cleaning, as he looked more and more like meat. I'll miss him.

People just don't understand. My father can't fathom how I can raise this turkey from a baby then kill him for his meat. I can't begin to tell you how many say I'm no animal lover if I can do that. They call me cruel, murderer, monster. If it bothers me so much why do I do it? It's precisely because I DO love animals so much that I do this! I wish I could raise/hunt/fish ALL of our meat! I wish everyone could! I've seen how meat gets to our grocery stores and it makes me sick! It may be making us all sick in ways we don't even realize yet, who knows? In order to wring maximum profit out of them many animals are kept in horrid conditions, abused in sickening ways, pumped full of chemicals and hormones, then slaughtered sometimes quickly but sometimes slowly, torturously. I can't unlearn what I've learned or forget what I've seen. When I buy meat I'm far too conscious of the fact that I am paying people to torture innocent animals. Buying it is much easier in many ways but maybe the taking of a life, even the life of a "simple turkey", SHOULDN'T be so easy! Perhaps it's only right that we do feel at least some discomfort. This turkey had people that cared about him. He had a snug nesting box in a sturdy chicken house. He had access to good food and clean water round the clock. He was freely given fresh foods and snacks. He ran in the sun and ate all the bugs he could find. Then when the time came great pains were taken to minimize any fear or pain as much as possible so that he could pass over peacefully. It may be hard and uncomfortable for me but it means one less animal suffers. It seems to me that it's more right that way than the other.

*Please understand that I realize that some people simply can't do this for one reason or another. I hold nothing against those that can't but I do encourage you to see what options may be available to you. There are businesses and others who raise animals then butcher them in more humane ways. If enough of us refuse to pay for animals that have been abused they will eventually be forced to adopt better husbandry practices. Even if you can only start small isn't it worth it?

Be a Warrior

I've been rereading one of my favorites, Wiccan Warrior by Kerr Cuhulain. It's not your average Wicca book! As quoted from the back of this book:

Being a warrior is not about fighting. It's about freeing yourself of limitations so that you can be truly creative and effective in life. In the current Wiccan community, many archetypes present themselves: Maidens, Mothers, Crones, Healers, Magicians -- but rarely Warriors. Wiccan Warrior is the first book to show Pagans how to access the Warrior archetype within. It demonstrates how to follow a path that is essentially the Wiccan Reded in action: "An' it harm none, do what thou wilt."
Written by a Wiccan police officer and martial artist, Wiccan Warrior combines personal insights and real-life anecdotes with ritual, magick, energy work, meditation, self-examination, and self-discipline.

I thought this was a good book for where I'm at in myself right now. I've pulled a phrase from this book and modified it slightly for my own use, "I will cause positive changes in conformity with my will." It simply tells me that if I want to make a change, any change, all I have to do is decide to change it which is something I've taught to my boys for years. Already it's helping me make small changes for the better. I'd rather not be doing laundry today but I want clean clothes for my family and me more than I dislike laundry so guess what I'm doing today? lol

Yes, sometimes things can be just that simple and it's good to be reminded. Thanks, Kerr!

Rescuing Ms. Daisy

When we first moved here we introduced ourselves to the neighbors, of course, and were pleased to find that everyone seemed very friendly. On one side of us is a married couple getting on in their years some who happened to breed cockateils. I thoroughly disapprove of hobbyists breeding any kind of animal when there's such a huge surplus of them suffering for want of a good home as in our shelters and rescues but, determined to be a good neighbor, I made sure to mention my extensive experience in handling pets including birds and that I'd be more than happy to help with them if she needed me. I've handfed countless numbers of chicks, cared for, and done routine grooming like clipping wings and nails.

So when I was working out back one day this last summer and saw a little cockateil perched on the side of our pool trying her very best to reach the water we immediately assumed that one of the lil guys just got loose from them. Hubs went over to tell them we'd found their lost little one while I tried hard to coax her into grabbing range. He came back with a cage and a vaguely disgusted look.

"They didn't lose her. They let them all loose."

I was shocked for a moment. They seemed so nice and well educated. "What do they want us to do then?"

He looked like he was bracing for an inevitable explosion and said, "They said not to worry about it."

Apparently they didn't want the burden of caring for them anymore and simply let all dozen or so of them fly off!! (insert a long stream of language foul enough to incinerate the hair in people's ears) There are only three fates for animals that have been dumped off, they are recaptured, die (all too often in horrible, painful ways), or live. Feral animals are a danger to people they come across, other animals both wild and domestic, can spread disease, and are often destructive to the environment. Some states are learning this the hard way as quaker parakeets turned loose have not only survived but are managing to increase in numbers. One problem with this is they like to nest around phone and electric lines and are interrupting people's services. They clearly can't stay, they can't all be caught, and people have fits when someone is sent out to kill them (but just as loud if they lose phone or electric, I'm sure!) And this type of thing happens more often than most people realize. Florida has numerous types of non-indigenous animals causing all sorts of problems. Australia has a huge problem with feral cats killing off large numbers of native species. Heck even the bane of all Texans, the fire ant, is an introduced species, not native, which is why they spread so rapidly and are incredibly hard to get rid of, they have no natural predator to keep their numbers in check.

We stayed out in the heat for hours trying different methods of catching her. For a long time she wouldn't fly away, she was clearly desperate for that water, but wouldn't be caught either. In the end she did fly away and we trudged inside with heavy hearts. The odds were against her survival but we left the cage out there open hoping she'd recognize it as a source of food and water. My sweet, darling hubs even overflowed the pool thinking that if she did come back to it she could at least reach the water.

At least a week passed during which I scanned the skies, checked the pool, and kept my ears perked for a piercing little cockateil whistle. I feared she was already dead until one day one of the boys came through the house shouting "She's back! That cockateil is back!!" As we all raced to the back I prayed feverently we'd catch her this time. Once again she was perched on the edge of the pool trying to get a drink as the water level had fallen fast in the Texas heat. And once again we tried various methods of capture that were just not working. She was habituated to people enough that she would let me edge to within an arm's reach of her but if my hand crept out to bridge that last distance she'd simply fly to the other side of the pool.

Finally I told the boys and hubs that it was clearly not going to work. It was time to attempt a riskier ploy, to get as close as possible then make a sudden grab for her. They lined up all around me, tensely watching with nets and blankets to toss over her if she should get past me. I inched over to her talking softly, trying to look very calm and casual...closer...as she flicked her head to one side to check her escape route, as she was about to fly again, I made a desperate leap reaching for her...and missed. My heart plummeted even as I noted that my grab had unbalanced and panicked her enough that she'd flown into the middle of a nearby cedar instead of skyward. My leap turned into a frantic lunge to the cedar. Surrounded by the dense foliage she tried to scramble away in a frenzy as I plunged recklessly through sticks and needles and...clasped my hands around her! I had her! She was safe!!

Not at all grateful for being rescued from almost certain death she screeched loudly then sank her beak into my hand, grinding it back and forth to make sure that I understood just how furious she was. I don't know if the tears in my eyes were joy or pain but I held on until I popped her securely in her cage. The boys promptly named her Daisy in keeping with the theme we've started with our two umbrella cockatoos, Jasmine and Lilly. Daisy ate and drank until I feared she'd burst then hunkered down comfortably for an incredibly long sleep.

That would be the end of the story except I've found another one! When I went outside yesterday to do my doody duty like I said I would in my post I left the back door open to air out the house some since the air was comfortably cool. Daisy, having settled in better by now, decided that it was a fine time to start yelling happily at the world but this time she got a reply! Startled I looked closer at the small bird flying overhead and sure enough it was a cockateil! When he perched on the fence I got a better look at him. He's a large, handsome bird who looks like he's actually done quite well for himself somehow! My attempts to catch him failed. Daisy decided to stop yelling and his calls got fainter and fainter as he moved away. By the time she started calling again there was no reply. The weather has started to cool and every day he's loose his chances of staying alive grow smaller. He may even be a bird who escaped more recently from someone else, who knows? I'll keep trying but if anyone has a spare good thought to send his way I'm sure it wouldn't go amiss :)

Thoughts in a Blender

I feel like the only person in the corral trying to catch one of dozens and dozens of greased piglets and some smartass has tied my shoelaces together! There's too many thoughts whirling around in my head. There's way too much that I want to do and say in my life (Need to? Supposed to?) that it really frustrates me that I'm not busy doing and saying them! So spilling out of my head in no particular order and displayed for all to see (sounds fairly icky!) are my Random Thoughts!

• Maybe that's the best place for me to start my hypnosis experiment, energy and motivation. Wow. It's so easy to do this for someone else! They want to change A, B, and C so we talk for a bit to figure out what they'd like to replace them with and voila, I have a logical starting place. Well think of it this way, what would it hurt to start there? Hmm. True! So need to work up a script within the next few days or so.
• Dogs need walked and could really use some training! It's just crazy that two excellent dog trainers have a pack of dogs that are actually pretty rude. I hear that's pretty typical of dog trainers though lol The poor things are bored and out of shape.
• When are we going to finish the kid's playroom??? It's been forever and a good bit of it is already finished! Just need a couple of doors, windows, bit more drywall, putty and sand the seams, paint it, tile it, put in furniture and poof, done.
• But we still need to retile the roof too! We got the insurance money to do that with ages ago but it's gone now. It worries me.
• Not to mention that the truck needs transmission work and that's gonna eat us for lunch too! But since hubs hit that deer in my van it's out of commission till we can get it fixed so that truck is our only transportation so it's gotta come first.
• We need to finish the horse's loafing shed really soon too before it gets too cold.
• Heh and just when are we going to put in a round pen so I can actually train the horses so we can RIDE them finally?? Right now they're just big spoiled rotten pets that aren't allowed in the house. Dangit I wish I could use that ground auger by myself so I could just do it and be done.
• You promised kiddo K you'd crochet a blanket for him like you did kiddo B too! I bought the yarn (a really silky soft dark green color) but I have to find the time. Basic crochet isn't hard to do but it can be pretty time consuming!
• I'd like to sew up my dress already! Ugh I wish I knew if the sewing machine is just being a pain or if I'm not remembering how to work it right after all this time! Oh I know, look it up online!! Heh.
• That dog yard is outta control too! You need to scoop it! Ugh bleh yuck! Why am I the one who gets stuck with all the POO in our lives???
• Which reminds me the cat boxes need scooped too!
• When am I going to get to try that apple pie recipe? It sounds like it's just to die for even without any chocolate in it!
• You need to finish those wands at some point so you can sell em off. I wonder if it's even worth it? It's taken me most of a year to get around to doing just three of them (but when you think about it I don't have a lot of actual time invested in them right now either)! What am I going to get with the money from that??? A big tub of chocolate ice cream. So I've either got to get going to make a lot more of em faster or...what? I dunno. Make gifts or something out of em.
• Are we going to try geocaching with the boys this weekend? It's kiddo M's 16th birthday so will he even want to go do that??? Hmm it involves effort so probably not. We'll have to have a cake of course...will I have to bake it or is hubs going to buy one? Gotta ask. And presents and find a good time to take him into town to spend his gift cert from the grandparents.
• I really need to get out there, give turkey-boy a nice farewell snack then whack him for Thanksgiving dinner! Wow it just doesn't sound right no matter how you phrase it, does it? I'll have to blog about that one day. I love animals so much and I truly believe that raising/hunting/fishing it yourself, if done right, is so much more humane that I do it when I'm able.
• Dogs all need baths again (and grooming, nail trims). Horses too before it gets too cool to do it!
• All the bedding needs washed along with the regular stuff and last week's stuff that kiddos so...beepbeepitybleepinbeep...ahem, KINDLY hid until this week. I could just beat them for that! Normally I'd make THEM do laundry for that but it's kiddo M's birthday and I just can't make him spend it doing laundry! Whatta sucker.
• What I really want to do today is just veg out in front of WoW. Anyone else here a World of Warcraft player? If you click that link I am NOT responsible for anything that may occur because of it! That is a very addictive, time intensive game so ya gotta be able to say no at least often enough to fulfill basic bodily necessities like sleep, food...you know! It's wicked fun to play when you have a minute to just mess around.

AAARRRGH!! Ok, ok, enough...too much!! I'm off to pick up poo I suppose. O h . . . j o y . . . (If you want to have animals then that's just someth... I know! I know! Shuddup already!)

I am my own guinea pig

You're getting sleepy...sleeeeeepy... No? I'm still working on hypnotizing people online but one thing that some find interesting is I can hypnotize people in real life. WOW!! EXCITING!! Heh, not really when you know how it's done. Remember the last time you were just staring off into space not really thinking anything at all until you suddenly snapped out of it and realized that you had "zoned out?" You were in a hypnotic trance!

If we don't keep it occupied with something our conscious mind yammers at us constantly like a used car salesman on crack. It yaps on and on so much that half the time we don't even realize we're paying attention to it. In hypnosis we try to distract, bore, or otherwise get the conscious mind out of our way so that we can talk to the subconscious which is a much more reasonable creature! We can change many different things in a person faster and easier with hypnosis because we don't have to fight through doubts, cynicisms, and skewed beliefs of the conscious mind. The subconscious mind simply accepts and records.

Some people fear that they will be forced to do something against their nature or beliefs. Who could blame them? Putting your mind into someone else's hands is extending enormous trust and willingness to be vulnerable to them. But actually hypnotism can never make someone do something that they otherwise wouldn't be willing to do. No one has ever been trapped in a trance state. No one has ever been forced to give up valuable secrets under hypnosis. Hypnosis is safe and effective. I've even used it on one of my own children to help him past a problem sleeping at night. It can be used to help lose weight, stop smoking, control pain, increase motivation, ease anxiety and depression, even develop psychic awareness!

So why haven't I just done it to myself (and oh yes, that can easily be done with the help of a relatively inexpensive little taperecorder)?! I've been mulling that over for awhile now and have come to the conclusion that I'm scared it won't work. I'm so tired of pinning my hopes on something that turns out to be ineffective plus my mind keeps saying (you know, that good ole conscious mind) that I didn't use it to get the one year of wonderifical so why should I have to now? Conscious Mind can be such a jerk sometimes!

Me: Listen C.M., I just said that it's safe, effective, faster, and easier. Even you didn't object so it must be so. Plus it won't cost us a dime because we can do our own scripts and already have a very nice little recorder to use.

C.M.: Well yeah but you know that every time you get your hopes up and fall it hurts and you end up lower than when you started. Can you really afford that?

Me: But what if it works?

C.M.: What if it doesn't?!

Me: Grrr! Ok what if we simply try it as an sort of experiment? I don't believe it will work or that it will fail. I simply create then play the tape and objectively record the results. It's not my goal to predict the results either way.

C.M.: Wellllll...

Me: Hah! You can't think of a reason not to when it's put that way, can you?

C.M.: I wanna go play video games *pout*

It is a bit too late to tackle the rest of this project tonight. I'll have to figure out what to work on first, develop a script, and record it when I'm sure of no interruptions. I think I'll pick this back up tomorrow sometime. Wanna watch me play around in my own brain??? Keep reading! lol

Look at me, Mom!

An award? Me? Wow, I'm really, truly at a loss for words right now! A few folks now have said in their comments that they like my writing and I'm touched, flattered really. My mom was an English teacher at a Catholic private school when she was young. She did her best to instill my siblings and I with a love for reading and how important it was to speak properly. The love for reading certainly took root in me! We've lived in our present home now over a year and I still have books boxed up (despite my husband putting floor to ceiling built in bookshelves on one entire wall of our hallway and six other stand alone bookshelves) because I haven't decided how to make room for them all yet! I have an incredibly hard time letting go of them and heaven help the one I catch abusing or endangering one of my books! In school English and Literature type classes came very easily to me and in my high school and college years I found that this gift for language extended to foreign tongues as well.

To tell the truth, though, I don't consider myself that great a writer. I tend to put writing into different categories in my own mind. Quick notes can just be little more than nonsense scribbles as long as whoever it's for understands it. A personal journal that's really written for my eyes alone is a step above a quick note meaning I pay a bit more attention to the quality of writing simply because I want to be able to really remember the experiences when I go back and read them even years from now. This blog I'd place a bit above the personal journal because my aim is not only to write for myself but to share these thoughts, feelings, and events with others. You have to be a little bit more clear and concise if that's your goal but I'm still not as careful to be as grammatically correct as I would be writing a college thesis, for example. This is my style and I'm happy to know that there are people here who enjoy it.

Apparently this award comes with rules and I don't know if I'll have time to complete them all today but fear not for I have a plan! For heaven 's sake stop all that silly rushing about diving for cover!!! You all have got to stop listening to my husband!! Ok settle down now... THE PLAN is I will give the list of rules below now then come back and edit them each to completion until all the rules have been adhere...until to the rules I've adherr...(see there's that grammar thing again)...until they're complete! Here we go!

• Thank the person that gave you this award - That would be the lovely lady who writes her own wonderful blog, Dreamfarm Girl. From the very bottom of my heart, thank you! This really does mean a lot to me.


• Copy the award - Uh oh. I'm only on number two and I'm already stumped! It's ok, breathe slowly, you've figured out tougher things than this...


• Post it on your blog - ...don't freak out!! Yes, I KNOW if you're stuck on number two there's no WAY you can complete number three but running in circles screaming scaring the animals is NOT going to get it done!!!

Edited to add: I'm so sorry, dear ones, but so far I've failed to comprehend how on earth to get this award posted to my page properly *sob* and I'm running out of time before company arrives! Hopefully this will do until I catch on:

• Tell your readers 7 things they don't know about you - Doesn't it count that I've been doing that all along??? No. Well ok...

1. I'm a scuba diver.


2. I'm a gamer geek.


3. Despite my love for animals I also love hunting, fishing, and raising my own animals for meat.


4. My totems are Black Jaguar and Horse.


5. I'm a complete chocoholic.


6. I'd love to show off my bellydancing skills to others but I'm just too darn shy and self conscious.


7. I can't smell.

• Give the award to 7 bloggers - Ok! I'll get to that right after I finish this.

Edited to add: The seven fabulous blogs I've chosen to forward this award on to are:

1. Pagan Culture


2. I do things so you won't have to


3. From the Inside...Out.


4. Carnelian Chronicles


5. Breeze Daze


6. Carrotspeak


7. Excerpts from the Life and Mind of Kristin...

Some of these I'm already a follower of because I like what they have to say, I like the way they say it, and honestly I like what I know about them so far. Being so new to the blogworld left me a little short on who to give this award to so I shamelessly ransacked the lists of the other bloggers I already knew I liked. I looked at quite a few that were wonderful blogs that just didn't "turn ME on," if you know what I mean but I'm very pleased to have found a few real gems. So thanks for leading me to some great new blogs to read too!

• Tell the bloggers on their blog - And this will naturally have to wait until I complete the last step.

I went, I saw, I duly notified all seven!

• Keep being awesome - Who me? I feel a bit awkward about that since I don't know that I'm all that awesome but I can promise that I'm constantly reaching for better in everything I do!

I kinda think Mom would be proud right now.

Would You Like to Watch?

Want to see one thing that I'm really passionate about? This lady is one of my all time favorites!

Find That Cache!

Nothing deep, dark, twisted or grim today because today I'm spending all day just having fun with my sweetie! Real quick though I wanted to share a website with everyone. Feeling a little cabin feverish? Bored? Well go find that cache!

They're Coming to Take Me Away...

...ha ha, they're coming to take me away, tee hee... Maybe it's time to talk about my insanity today!

I had the day all planned out. This weekend all four children will be at their other parent's homes so my sweetie and I have two whole days to spend together! So today was going to be my day to play computer games and do my laundry instead of doing them Saturday like I normally do. Then I got the call. One of the kiddos is sick. Poor guy has the barfy stomach bug that's been going around and on the way home I realized how differently we all handle the various feelings of pain and sickness.

One of my secrets I don't really mind sharing is I've got depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social phobia. I only consider my illnesses secrets because it's not the kind of thing I advertise either. I work hard to appear normal but I suspect I'm only partially sucessful which is why people just don't usually like me. These can make life tougher sometimes but I accept them better because they are legitimate illnesses that I didn't ask for or want. If someone decides they have a problem with this aspect of me I can simply toss a number of doctor's diagnosis at them with a negligent shrug. It's real, it's not my fault, so oh well if someone doesn't like it.

From what I understand GAD and PD symptoms normally appear around adolescence. I clearly remember my first panic attack happening the very first day of Kindergarten. I was all freshly scrubbed up in my nice new dress, rather enjoying the bus ride, looking forward to the day. When the bus stopped I walked up the aisle, down the steps, and froze on the last step staring at this huge, unfamiliar building I was expected to enter. I was so scared my stomach clenched, I started sweating and shaking, and all I could say was "This isn't the right place!" The kids behind me and the bus driver were all getting impatient which only raised my anxiety levels to near hysteria. After that I must've reached a level of such overwhelming fear my memory just checked out to lunch because I don't remember anything after that.

That was only the first of many, many panic attacks. They only increased in frequency and severity over the years until I developed a reputation for being a hypochrondriac or maybe even a slacker faking illness to avoid things I didn't want. I've often tried to explain just how it feels in an effort to get others to understand. Each time I just ignored them, pretended not to notice the looks or whispers, but it broke my heart every time. I wanted to cry and scream at them in rage that I didn't WANT to feel this way! It's NOT my fault!

Picture yourself the last time you just barely missed some kind of car accident. Remember how that adrenaline burst felt? Your stomach clenched filling with a fluttery feeling, your breathing came faster, your heart pounded. At that moment you have a deep rooted terror of something indescribably horrible, DOOM, even if it doesn't express itself consciously. It's an unpleasant, uncomfortable feeling but you quickly realize that everything is ok and these feelings fade away. For me that's only the beginning and it can start at any time for no apparent reason at all.

Instead of a quick burst of adrenaline it feels more like someone turned the faucet on full and left it on! Usually it starts with a fluttery feeling in my stomach which jerks my mind away from anything else. I become hyper aware of every little sensation in my body analyzing if this was just a simple case of butterflies or the start of an attack but it's that suddenly diving into myself, withdrawing completely from any outside stimulus, repeatedly checking myself in fear that keeps the attack rolling. Next my stomach clenches harder, painfully, as I get a strange rushing feeling over the back of my shoulders and up the back of my neck. It feels like thousands of tiny bugs swarming over, their bites a sickening mixture of sting and ice. My heartbeat and breathing speed up and I shake. All of these feelings get more and more intense until I'm vomiting and lose control of my bowels. It does not stop until I use one of the tricks I've developed to fall asleep. When I wake up I'm a bit worn out feeling but otherwise just fine.

In hindsight I can see that as the illnesses progressed I slowly drifted further and further away from the world and others. I can't say for sure if the attacks caused the depression and social phobia or if the depression and social phobia are the cause of the panic attacks. It could be either. Finally, one day in my 20s, I mentioned these things to a doctor who was able to give me names to put to these problems. With a diagnosis came the long fight to recovery.

Finding out that there really is no cure for these problems and losing faith in doctors as medications, chats with psychologists, even self help books failed to make a difference I threw in the towel several times. "Woe oh woe, why me? What awful thing have I done to deserve this?" But somewhere along the way I had an amazing paradigm shift. I don't remember how or why but I came to realize some things.

1. Why NOT me? Am I more special than anyone else in this world that my life should be perfect, without struggle? Everyone has things they have to learn to deal with. These are mine.

2. I'm fascinated by people. Why do they do the things they do? Why do they think the way they do? What makes them tick? Who could understand better, get into people's heads, and maybe even care enough to help along the way than someone who's been through the hard times, pain, hoplessness, and suffering?

3. True, there's no cure for my illnesses but that doesn't mean that I can't learn how to control them, live with them, minimize the symptoms as much as possible to try to lead a normal life.

Those realizations really changed my life. I wasn't instantly all better, it still took quite a few years of work, but there was one wonderful year when I could look at myself and say "Wow I've come such a long way from where I was! I'm doing better now than I ever have been in my whole life!" I was proud, hopeful, and happy. This was when I met the man I later married. I was on my way to everything I'd ever wanted in life and it felt so great!

I almost wish my story ended there, on an "up note." Unfortunately that year of wonderful was followed right up with a year of hell so bad it made my toughest days look like a walk in the park. But I am happy to say that the panic attacks have at least remained under control! Even going through hell has got to be at least the tiniest bit better without the panic attacks than with them, right?

Bloggin Blahs

Isn't it too early in my blog to have the blahs already? I just wasn't moved to write anything yesterday but that's ok, a day off, cool. But this morning I got on here and had the same reaction, "blah." I can afford one day off, even two or three if I'm missing blogging for something good like spending time with the kids, but two days off for the blahs slides too easily into three, four...before you know it you just can't bring yourself to face it. I even visited the handful of blogs I'm following to see if that would spark some interest in commenting on their posts to get myself started. Blah. Not that they weren't good posts! There were some great, thought provoking, emotion stirring, touching, sometimes funny posts and a few sparks sputtered in my head but I just wasn't motivated to pull them together and put them in the comments. So I figured maybe it was just too early and my brain wasn't fully awake yet and if I tried later the words would just flow from my head straight out my fingers. Nope. Blah. I'm forcing the words out onto my screen and into being. Am I all out of stories already? Sheee-yeah right!! That's so not the case! I've got loads of stories just from the animal rescue alone, experiences, not to mention I haven't told all my secrets yet like I promised. Oh yeah, being Pagan is the very the least of my deep, dark secrets! Hmm... What do you do when you run into this problem?

Getting to the BOTTOM of the Lil Black Dress

Is that title CHEEKY enough for you, Magaly? ;)

My mom and sister had closets full of fine fashion, spent hours laying outside to achieve that perfect tan, and heaven forbid that anyone should see them without their hair and makeup done! Mom took after her mom, my Maw Maw, and my sister naturally took after Mom. I much preferred my jeans, t-shirt, and comfy sneakers. My skin was a rich, golden tone because I spent my days in trees, riding bikes, walking my dog, or exploring the drainage ditches. Doing my hair consisted of washing and running a hasty brush through it. And me putting on makeup? Hah! Why? To sweat it off, have a dog lick it off, or cover it up with dirt?

When I got the word that my Maw Maw had passed away I was in my 20s and hugely pregnant with my first child. When we all came together to gather ourselves to make the trip to the funeral I tearfully had to admit to my mother that I didn't even own a dress appropriate for a funeral. My mom and sister shared a quick look that said "we should've anticipated this" and we all burst out laughing. It's amazing to me that in the midst of even crushing grief people can often find moments of genuine humor.

As I never had before I allowed these two to lead me from store to store, obediently trying on whatever they passed me, and found that I actually felt a small pang of regret that I hadn't participated in their shopping sprees before. I finally realized that even if I was completely uninterested in the clothes I had missed a lot of fun times I could've spent with Mom and my sis. Sure there were quite a few moments where we'd tear up, pause to support each other as a wave of sorrow passed over us, but there were also many times that we'd share a fond memory of Maw Maw, smile, remember good times. And what probably touched me the most is while I was ready to wear whatever complicated, frilly, where-the-heck-does-THIS-part-go thing they decided on they took who I was into account. Without me saying a thing they settled on a black, cotton dress with no decorations or frills, it just slipped on over my head and settled into place. A perfect dress for me.

For almost 15 years I kept right on wearing that dress until it just wore out so bad I had to reluctantly admit that it was time to let it go. You might wonder why I'd want to keep on wearing it considering that it was bought under such sad circumstances but honestly I didn't associate it with the loss of my Maw Maw. Whenever I took it out to wear it brought a small, fond smile to my lips as I remember the special opportunity it gave me to bond a little more with my mom and sister. I consider it a last lesson and gift from the kindest, most gracious, generous lady I ever knew.

I miss you Maw Maw.

The Hamster from Hell

This one's for you, Kathryn!!

All my life I've been mad for animals of all sorts so when I was young I thought there could be no better job for me than to work in a pet shop.* One day I walked into the employee's area to find a shoe box on the counter with the words "Hamster from Hell" written on the side. I started laying into the other employees left and right!

"Oh you WEENIES!!! Holy smokes it's just a HAMSTER!! How bad could a cute lil HAMSTER possibly be?? Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves being scared of a wee lil hamster!! The poor thing has probably been traumatized half to death by some child then was shoved in a dark box and jostled around with weird sounds and smells to get back here. Who WOULDN'T bite after something like that! Jeez you SISSIES!!"

Completely confident I stepped up to the box and lifted the lid a bit. Sure enough there was the adorable lil guy standing up on his back feet. He was paused in the act of doing that unbearably sweet face washing thing they do twitching his whiskers as he sniffed the air peering in my direction. AWWWW!!! After all that he'd been through I didn't want to startle the lil guy so I carefully lowered just my index finger into the box on the far end from where he was to let him approach me and sniff if he felt calm enough instead of the other way around. I made tiny little "come 'ere lil fella" motions talking softly and soothingly to him.

This hamster did not approach tentatively. He did not walk over. He didn't even RUN over! This hamster performed a supernatural leap from his end of the box all the way over to where my finger was on the other end and sank his incisors all the way through the tip of my finger! Of course I began screaming, startled and in pain, dancing madly around the room, waving my hand around in the air frantically while this hamster hung on for all he was worth. He was like a tiny little banner sailing proud and fierce through the air declaring for hamsters everywhere "We are sick and tired of this and we just won't take it anymore!"

With difficulty I finally managed to fling the demon possessed little darling off. Another employee quickly popped the box over him and scooped him back up with a decidedly smug smirk on her face. I stood there, panting, wild eyed, dripping blood steadily onto the floor staring at the box in shock while others gathered around to ooh and aah over my horribly wounded finger discussing whether I shouldn't pop over to the hospital for a stitch or not.

Being the store manager after I staunched the bleeding and doctored my finger I had a call to make to the vet.

"Dr. XXXX? Do you perform exorcisms?"

*I always feel obligated to admit my ignorance at the time and so hopefully educate others that any pet shop that sells puppies and/or kittens (or any live animal actually) perpetuate the cruelty of mills and horrible breeding. I have since researched and seen first hand that these places make a profit at the expense of hundreds of innocent, hurting animals. If you really do love animals never make a purchase from any shop that sells puppies/kittens.

Tragedy at Fort Hood

I'm guessing that most people have heard about the shooting at Ft Hood by now and if you don't you'll be able to find out easily as it's in the news. I have friends and loved ones there. Some of the people there have hurt me horribly. Heck my children are there sometimes! We've gotten ahold of a few friends there who, thank the gods, are ok. Others, including my children we don't know yet.

None of it matters right now though. Whoever has been injured or killed had at least someone out there who cares about them so there's a whole ton of emotion in the air tonight, grief, pain, anger, and more. For those people all I can do is say I wish I could make it all better somehow. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I keep telling myself that there's absolutely NO reason at all that the children should've been there today so I'm being perfectly silly to even worry but I won't feel right until I can talk to them. Please pray/send positive energies/spare a kind thought for the people that are hurting so badly tonight and for all those who are still waiting to find out.

Blog Progress!

Yay! I've learned how to add some gadgets to my blog! I think that does make it a bit more interesting and visually appealing. There's still quite a few things I want to do but I'll have to figure out how along the way. Stay tuned!

Things That Go Bump in the Night

All my life I've been searching for a movie (or even a book I guess) that really scares me so far with no luck. Whenever I say this I get "have you seen...you should watch...what about..." and each time I tell them "no, that one didn't scare me at all" or go buy the suggested title, watch it, and then tell them it didn't work. I've seen some great sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat movies (the more twisted and suspenseful the better!), plenty of slasher types (you know, the ones where something or someone is just killing everyone off left and right), gore fests (buckets and buckets of blood just don't cut it as my kids can top any stain a movie can come up with), creepy effects (think The Ring or The Grudge), startle-a-thons (the ones where something suddenly jumps out making you give a little involuntary start) but not one actually scares me!

The only one that's come anywhere close is When a Stranger Calls. This is a movie based on the old, well known scary story in which a babysitter receives a number of disturbing phone calls while on a babysitting job. A creepy voice keeps asking her if she's checked on the children who are supposed to be sleeping upstairs. She eventually calls the police who agree to track the next call to find the guy calling her so they can go pick him up. The police trace the next scary call then call the babysitter frantically telling her to get out of the house, RUN because the calls are coming from somewhere in the house she's in! The finale of the story is that a killer had gotten into the house somehow and already murdered the children in some gruesome fashion. He was hiding upstairs calling her to get her to go upstairs to check on the children so he could pop out and chop her up too. That one does give me the creeps a bit but only because it involves the children and I can't stand for things like that to happen to kids!

I've often tried to figure out just what is the ultimate in scary. I should find it and put it in a book or make a film or something! Wouldn't that just be too cool??? Unfortunately it's going to have to be about what scares others because the only things I can come up with that really, truly scare me in a hide-under-the-covers-and-try-not-to-pee-myself-I'll-never-sleep-again way are people (not even the murderous, zombie, brain eating types, just regular ole everyday people) and the thought of losing someone I really love. I can (and my all too active imagination often does much to my dismay) use those to come up with all kinds of horror that will frighten the beejezzus out of ME but I doubt others would find it nearly as horrifying.

I'm not acting brave or macho in some way it's just the simple truth.

• snakes and spiders - I readily pick up reptiles and arachnids! I've cuddled a carnivorous lizard as long as I am tall under my shirt to keep him warm, I own a boa, and picked up countless scorpions, spiders, and big, hairy tarantulas to save them from being squashed by others less friendly to the "creepy-crawly" set.
  
• ghosts - Many times I've actively tried and am now considering hypnosis to train myself to see spirits. I went to the home of a very well known spirit sensitive who assured me his home was haunted. My husband, also able to see spirits, backed him up saying he definitely saw the same spirits. There was even a ghost there that the home owner swore could be and had many times been seen by people who insisted that they couldn't see ghosts, never had and never would. I really tried! I even sat there making sure to hold myself in an open, welcoming frame of mind rather than risk being offensive with a demanding or challenging kind of attitude. Nada.
  
• animal attack - Animals are probably the least scary thing in the world to me! I understand animals! I really get what makes them tick! I've worked with, communicated with, trained, and helped more types of animals than I'll bother to count right now. See the thing is that animals don't have a malicious bone in their body. They don't set out to harm anything or anyone to get some sort of nasty chuckle. If an animal attacks there is a reason for it even if the humans witnessing the attack don't know or understand that reason. I once got a call to come see if I could remove an aggressive Rottweiler from a neighborhood. I went to the location, my standard pocketful of lunchmeat, cheese, and hotdogs on board, and approached until this huge dog came charging out at me barking and snarling visciously. I simply stopped, stood with a neutral kind of air about me, and kept track of him with my peripheral vision never looking straight at him. He tried for 20 minutes to scare me out of that pose! He lunged so close snapping and frothing at the mouth that his nose brushed my pants but I never moved. He was just starting to calm down a tiny bit and stay close to me longer to sniff at my pants just a little when an Animal Control truck came roaring up disgorging a yelling, pole brandishing officer. The dog ran and we couldn't get close to him again. I really hope everything turned out ok for him.
  

What else is there? Demons? Possessions? Mutants? Headless Horsemen? Zombies? Nope, not scary. So give a girl a hand here? What makes you hide under the covers, fear putting your feet down on the floor, and wish you still had a nightlight?

Strip Tease

That's what I consider this whole mad venture of mine to be, a strip tease, with an odd twist. Instead of a rowdy crowd waiting impatiently for the next piece of clothing to drop revealing the secret tidbit of delectable skin beneath I envision a very normal woman up on that stage. She could fit in anywhere, she appears to be your stereotypical soccer mom, and looks like she's got it all under control. She's apple pie, baseball, and red, white and blue all wrapped up in a sweet, comforting mom shaped package! Then she starts shedding bits of clothing that have been covering up the truth beneath...

Why she's not a typical soccer mom at all! She's the cancer hiding inside our society! She's the whole reason our nation is going down the toilet! Monster! Whore! Devil worshipper! And somehow the fact that she had the crowd fooled at first makes it so much worse than if she'd just come out on stage looking like the monster she really is. It makes them even angrier. Maybe they feel cheated out of what they expected to get? Maybe but that's not all of it. No, the bulk of their hatred comes from their fear. If she could look like one of them, if she managed to fool them into thinking for even an instant that she was normal, then deep down they fear that there might be far more of her monstrous kind out there successfully hiding! Why these monsters could be hiding in our government, churches, schools...they could be anyone!

Well I guess I've pussyfooted around it long enough and it's time to give my readers their first, solid peek at what's hiding beneath a bit of the clothes. I'm Pagan.

It happened in my late teens. I couldn't buy enough books to keep up with my voracious appetite for them! Then one day, quite by chance since I was looking in a different section completely, I found a book on Wicca. I sat in that bookstore for almost a half hour, tears pouring down my face, as I quickly scanned through the book to absorb the overall topic and feel. I felt just like that starving, shivering little child standing in the snow staring in the window at a family in a loving, warm home piling the table high with mouth watering delights but some kind soul had opened up the door and said, "Come in, sweetheart. There's plenty for all and we've saved a place just for you."

I studied and meditated, questioned and learned. I branched out to learn all I could about as much as I could in a quest for pure understanding. I learned at least some about Shamanic, Druidic, Buddhism, and more. I remember such good times in those innocent years. I even attended a protest in which people of a different religion came and shouted hateful, hurtful things at us while we sang songs about love and building bridges of understanding between us. The one thing I remember best from that day was seeing their little ones dressed in their (HOT!) Sunday best looking miserable and wilted in the heat. Worried for them I asked one of our leaders if we couldn't at least offer their children a bit of water? She put a hand on my shoulder and sadly said, "We can't. If one of those children got so much as a sniffle afterwards they'd say we put something in the water to harm them." I should've realized then. I should've run my butt into the nearest closet to hide my religion from the world but I was young and naieve. I was made brave on the notion that Wicca is a recognized, legal religion in a land that believes in religious freedom and protected by the Constitution. What a fool.

When I finally divorced my abusive spouse of more than 10 years I knew he'd play dirty because he knew exactly how to keep me under control married or not, through my children. I desperately wanted to snatch that control away from him and protect my babies. I was so idealistic! I really believed that if I marched into court and told the truth that was exactly what I'd get. I'll never forget the pure malice in his lawyer's voice when she sneeringly asked me my religion. I held my head up high as my lawyer objected on the grounds of my Constitutional rights. But it felt like everything inside of me just dropped through the floor leaving me an empty, shocked husk when the judge ordered me to answer the question.

People say that time heals all wounds. I say those that truly think so have never been wounded bad enough. Oh I share custody with my husband and have even managed to mostly fight my way free of him controlling me through the children after a few years! But nothing can ever replace the precious time I've lost with them. It's one wound that will never heal in me. You only get so many years, a limited number of hours to spend with your children and every minute is so precious! Every bit of time that slips away is time that can never be replaced! How do you cope when approximately half of even that limited amount of time has been torn away from you? Nothing can ever fix that!

The other is the wound they gave me when I stood up proud and true, innocent of any wrongdoing, but still they spat on me, ripped away my rights, shredded my confidence in people, my feelings of security in doing what's right. And one of the scariest things to me is they did it so easily! There were no courtroom dramatics, no great fuss, just a few words spoken and it was over. I sat there in front of all of them bleeding inside in shock, not understanding how it all happened.

So there's one of my secrets for you, as promised, but there's plenty more of them to come! Even more, there's worse to come still so keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, please secure any loose items, and hold each other tight!

Making a Difference Monday

Yes, it's Making a Difference Monday!! Every Monday my entry will be about acts of kindness. This brilliant idea came from Carrie over at Carrot Speak. The whole idea is "to try and change the world one kind deed at a time." I really love it because we all know that sometimes this world can be pretty cruel! It's far too much for any one person to tackle on their own but Making a Difference Monday is about recognizing the smaller acts of kindness that any one person can easily do. It's our hope that one act of kindness will inspire another and another and another and so on making the world a better place. If we each do a little no one has to do a lot! I hope you decide to participate! If you do simply:

1.) Make your own Making a Difference Monday post, explaining to your readers these rules, and sharing the story of some small act of kindness you've performed in the past week. It could be anything...holding a door, helping a little old lady cross the street, or even just stopping at a red light when there's no one around to know the difference.
2.) Enter a link to your post in the Mcklinky box over at Carrot Speak: Making a Difference Monday.
3.) Link back to Carrie's post in yours so that your readers can find the full list of participants.

And what good things have I done this past week?

• took some of my time off to counsel someone who needed someone to talk to
  
• at our neighborhood Halloween b-b-q I played with an adorable little toddler so that his grandpa could finish his dinner in peace
  
• the other day was a wee bit chilly in the house so I put our softest blanket in the dryer then wrapped it all around the children as they watched one of their shows (they just melted into it with little "oh that feels so good" sounds that just make you smile)
  

Ah it does feel pretty good remembering those!! So c'mon and join us and make sure you give yourself a big blankie-fresh-out-of-the-dryer hug for the good things you do everyday!