Is it over yet?

Last night we unexpectedly had two friends over visiting for one of our Game Nights but told them right off that I was feeling awful. One of the poor things had the very same ICK as I do so we all decided to just hang out together and chat instead. My dear, sweet, wonderful husband filled me and our sick friend up on scalding hot rum toddies! So by the end of the night my hubs was off driving our well friend home while I made up a bed on the couch for our sick friend to stay the night since he was too full of toddies to drive home and much too cozy in front of our fireplace to go home to a chilly house.

Determined to get a few things done I got up at a fairly decent hour this morning and after a nice, warm bath felt like I might grudgingly live through another day. But I made a mistake! I sat on the edge of the bed to put my shirt on! Though the bath made me feel less like every joint was being sawed apart and more like I'd just been very lightly worked over with a baseball bat I felt heavy and icky and the softness of the bed was just too much. The next thing I knew I was screaming myself awake from another nightmare, rolled over to see why my husband hadn't shook me out of it like he usually does, and found that it was 3 pm! Ugh! So I shoved myself out of bed, still clothed, and started dashing around trying to catch up on everything I'd planned to do today.

Until my husband talked me into sitting in my comfy chair with my laptop. A whole day wasted on sleeping and World of Warcraft??? *sigh* Yeah. But I have to say I do feel somewhat better this evening and hope to get some good sleep and wake up feeling better!

Yuck

All my children are gone. Two went to their mom's and two went back to their dad's. All the gift giving, treats, and wonderful happy time spent with them is over for now. Something has gotten hold of me. Just a cold or other icky so I'll live, no worries, but with the way I feel at the moment I'm not positive that's a good thing. And it's been a nightmare intensive period of time. They seem to go in cycles where I get lots of them for a bit then they slack off for a week or so. Right now I'm so flippin sick of waking up screaming! I can't tell you how fed up I am of seeing my children tortured or killed in a variety of colorful ways and babies that are somehow wrong/sickly/fragile dying no matter how hard I try to protect them.

Sorry guys, this post sucks but that's about where I am right now, Sucksville, USA. Sick and exhausted. It'll get better eventually though! You know that and I know that :)

Unthinkable

Who would've thought it would snow in central Texas on Christmas Eve? It has though and I have the proof!! These pictures were taken at great risk to myself! Only for YOU, my beloved readers, would I brave these trecherous conditions just to provide you with these incredible rare shots! I give you...SNOW IN TEXAS!!!

I gave the horses a doggone bale of hay split between them so they wouldn't have to venture out of their shelter today. Thank goodness I leave them uncut for the cold so they're really shaggy right now! After surviving the horrors of this blizzard I moved the dog bed right in front of the crackling fireplace to warm the poor heelers back up and made some amaaaaazing hot cocoa. I even put a few generous shots of rum in it to make sure it was nice and warming! So cuddle your loved ones tight cuz it looks like this winter is going to be c-c-c-c-c-c-oooooooold!

To touch

When a woman gets pregnant there is this strange phenomenon where everyone wants to rub her belly. Ok, in some ways I can certainly understand this. I admit that I too get urges to rub a pregnant woman's belly or ask to hold a perfect stranger's new baby (but I don't just do it). I think most people are touched and excited in some ways to see these awe inspiring examples of innocent new lives coming into our world and simply want to connect (maybe even REconnect???) with that somehow. I truly do understand that! But there are some people in the world that for whatever reason are not comfortable with being touched and who has the right to judge someone for that?

Growing up my parents weren't very snuggley-wuggley touchy feely sorts so I was probably "touched" in anger more often than with love. It wasn't until I found Wicca and joined an open circle as a very young adult that I really realized just how much this affected me. This circle was a group of generally wonderful, open, warm people. Their usual greeting was to give great big hugs and going skyclad (naked) wasn't out of the ordinary. At first I was VERY uncomfortable with this but I had to admit that I liked it too! It wasn't very long amongst these folks that some startling realizations hit me -- being naked, intimate body contact, both at the same time -- NONE of it had to equal anything sexual! That may sound a bit silly to some people but before I wasn't familiar with touching others very much outside of romantic or sexual types of contact so it was hot-off-the-press news to me! I quickly grew to really love the people of that circle, learned to be comfortable with social nudity, and couldn't get enough of hugs, holding hands, standing around with an arm draped over a hip or shoulder...just touching and being touched in ways that I should've been by my family growing up.

Only a few years later I had moved away and was pregnant with my first son. I was the first child in my family and my husband was the first in his to give our parents a grandchild and each of our grandparents a great-grandchild. Needless to say there was a LOT of excitement and anticipation on both sides of the family!! Most of them either seemed to know that they weren't familiar enough with me to touch me and a few I was fine with them rubbing my belly except one. My husband's grandmother was polite enough to me but it was clear that she didn't feel I belonged in her family. More than once she would smile in my face then speak badly of me to others which is a practice I've always held in contempt. But for some reason while I was pregnant she thought it was perfectly ok to fondle my belly in the most intimate of ways!! I asked her not to, had my husband ask her not to, but she went right on doing it or even did it then backed away dramatically saying "Oh! I forgot that you don't like to be touched!" in a particularly snotty way.

Almost every time I managed to leave as fast as I could to hide the tears of anger, shame, and mixed up sickly hot emotions. I felt like a freak. I told myself that *normal* people would handle the situation with so much more social ease. I imagined his family still out there sneering at how awkward, inept, and ungrateful I was to treat them as if I couldn't even bear for them to touch me when they had been so nice to welcome me into their oh so proper family. I didn't know what to do. I felt downright violated! I thought I was wrong maybe but I still felt justified! Finally in desperation I told my husband that if she grabbed me just one more time I swore I would grab her firmly by both shrivelled breasts and loudly ask how SHE liked being felt up! I don't know what he said and I don't care. All I know is that she did stop which made it so much easier for me to relax and at least TRY to be social with his family.

Years later now I realize that I wasn't right or wrong. I was in the spot emotionally where I was at and I didn't have to explain or justify it in any way. It was still MY body and I had the right to accept or not being touched by anyone. It wasn't my fault that his grandma decided to take offense to this instead of behaving like a rational, mature adult and simply talking to me about it. I had nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

Also I have to happily say that all of these experiences helped me be a better mother! From birth I have been just as "touchy" with my children as they could possibly stand! I've taken every opportunity to maintain loving contact with them. They're now 12 and 15 yrs old, a time when I've heard many boys start to want nothing much to do with their parents, and they still run to give me long, happy hugs in the morning, don't hesitate an instant to come lay against me, put a head on my shoulder or lap, stop on their way by to give me a kiss, let me nuzzle their sweet necks, stroke their backs, and just generally pour out all infinite love I have for them. Maybe I still would've been just as demonstrably affectionate with them without my past experiences, there's no way I could resist being completely in love with these two wonderful scamps, but at the very least it makes me realize just how very important these touches are in their lives now and in the future. If I had to go through hell to learn this and benefit my babies then it was all worth it and I'm so thankful for it!

Happy Holidays!

I've been trying to make a post for the past three days but everytime I start one I have someone or another that swears if I don't come see/help/referee/fix/etc. it will result in the end of the world! It's so wonderful having all my boys home with me but it can make things a little busy for me. Especially since hubs tends to go hide upstairs on his computer more when all four boys are home. He loves them as much as I do but they are normal, active boys and their high spirits can sometimes be a bit much for someone with severe PTSD.

I'm extra pleased with my boys right now too. Sadly my father hasn't embraced my husband's two boys as his grandsons so when he sends my two boys cards with money in them and not the other two it always makes me feel a little awkward and bad. On the one hand it's not fair to Tom* and David* but it would also be unfair to force Steve* and Chris* to give up some of their money just because my father isn't a better person. They solved the problem nicely all on their own when they bought Monopoly, Twister, and lunch for everyone! Not only was it just incredibly sweet but we've all had so much fun playing those and our other games together!

One of our gamers made homemade ziti for us one night which was delicious! The kiddos and I have snuggled up together under a big dryer warmed blanket. Then this morning we watched the boys open their presents which is one of my favorite times of the whole year! They've been busy most of the day with video games, a punching bag, a ripstick (it's like a skateboard but all the new rage with my kids), flying micro copters all over the place freaking the birds out to no end, and making candles. Which means I've been busy most of the day answering questions about video game installation, taping hands and demonstrating how to throw a punch, insisting that children wear all kinds of helmets and pads, trying to calm screaming birds, and cutting wax, dye, and scents!

On top of that I decided that we needed gingerbread men. Only the youngest wanted to help me cut out and bake the cookies but they all came running when it was time to frost them! I tried! I really tried to supervise where all the frosting was going but these kids are starting to get HUGE! Heck the oldest is probably twice my size already! With all four of them crowded around the table I couldn't even see the cookies much less where the frosting was going! But in typical ravenous teen boy fashion they slopped frosting onto the biggest of the cookies then backed away munching happily for a moment letting me dart in to run a little damage control. By the end of today with all the candle and cookie scents everyone says the house smells absolutely delicious though!! All in all I think this has been one of the greatest, delightfully messy, noisy, fun Yule's we've had so far!

I wish all of you a holiday full of fun, love, laughter, and magic too!

Just a day

Nope. I'm just not in the mood today to wrestle my inner demons on here, challenge beliefs, or even think too hard! Last night we lit up the fireplace for the first time this year and this morning there were still lots of toasty warm coals burning away on some large chunks of wood. Ahhhh! It's sooo nice sometimes to wake up to that comforting warmth! Also last night I treated myself to a completely unhurried warm bath and played with my lovely new body scrub, lotions, and such. My darling husband even scrubbed my back with them for me which was wonderful! Then I stripped down the bed, put on fresh new sheets, and just laid there for awhile savoring the little currents of air from the fan, lazily stroking here and there to enjoy the warm silky feeling of my skin.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well, more nightmares waited for me about a sickly baby and other odd things, but that's not out of the ordinary and hasn't left me feeling like the walking dead today. My skin still feels just heavenly, there's this warm little fireplace, warm sweet coffee, and the children's vacation starts today! All my boys will be home with me for at least a week!! Ahhh I can already feel some of the tension melt out of my shoulders just thinking that they'll all be here where I can take care of them. We must make our traditional gingerbread men and turn the monsters loose with tubes full of icing to decorate, hopefully JUST the cookies! lol I'll make the really good homemade hot cocoa with lots of little marshmallows, wrap them up in the morning with fluffy blankets toasty fresh from the drier, and they will get their presents from us and their grandparents. Watching them get presents is the best part of it all for me!

I hope your day goes as divinely as mine has so far!!

Taboo for you?

From an early age I could appreciate a pretty girl as well as a good looking guy. It didn't even occur to me for many years to concern myself over whether the person I was attracted to was a girl or boy! As a matter of fact none of the outside counted for as much as what they thought, felt, and who they really were. So I had no problem identifying my sexual orientation but as for sexual practices...well at some point in my life I wanted to explore my limits from one end to the other and everything in between.

It was very interesting to me to learn the great variety of things there are to do out there and that one person's ultimate fantasy was completely out of the question with others. It was also fascinating to note my own reactions to each at different levels! Some I wanted to try while others were not at all appealing. But even the things that I felt I never wanted to try I wanted to understand why I had this immediate reaction and why others found it stimulating.

Some of the more interesting things I discovered? There's lots that most people have at least heard mentioned but have you really considered them as acts that some honestly enjoy? Even if it's something that's not right for you can you accept it in another? I know a couple in which the man enjoys women's clothing and wearing diapers. On one hand I'm still wrestling to understand this but in trying to think of it objectively who does it harm? If there's no harm to anyone why would it bother me at all? Is this some flaw of my belief system, is it simply societal influence, or what?

Did you know that there are adults in America who have had sex, even had children, without allowing their partner to see them fully naked? I came upon this discovery by accident when I asked another military wife who was pregnant if she liked her OB-GYN. She seemed almost offended and replied, "I don't want some doctor poking around there until I deliver and really have to! Even my husband doesn't see my junk!" I still can't really understand this one (forgetting the fact that anyone would call such wonderous bits of anatomy "junk")! On a mental level I can understand that it's almost certainly a problem of having low esteem, poor body image, or having some belief that the genitals are somehow dirty but I just can't understand it on any other level.

I found some that I'm not entirely sure how to categorize at all such as people that become aroused by the fantasy of being swallowed whole (i.e., like a snake would) and others stimulated by objects being inflated (i.e., watching a pool toy being blown up). Once again I feel that my initial reaction may not be what I'd ideally wish so I have to fall back on one of the cores of my beliefs, is this harmful to anyone? I myself occassionally indulge in fantasies that are rather violent that in fantasy I can find stimulating but would never, ever, EVER wish for in real life!

If nothing else it just goes to show that the mind is an important sexual organ too! What do you think? Are these things that come to you naturally or do you have to examine your options like me?

The best laid plans

Yesterday I promised I'd post or die trying! I was also hoping to spend the day happily reading other people's blogs, catching up with what's going on in their worlds, and generally taking it somewhat slower today after several days of hard work. That plan was sent right out the window with the blaring of the alarm this morning. It turns out the husband wanted me to go with him to his dentist appointment so we could finish up Yule shopping afterwards. He said it'd be ok if I didn't go with him but I could tell that he really wanted my help picking out presents so...ah I have trouble resisting my husband when he gets that look! And there was no reason I couldn't write up today's post in my notebook then type it in when we got home.

So after his appointment I had a whole post ready to go about personal responsibility, he had some dazzlingly clean teeth, and we were off to spend some money on the kids! As we walked into the mall I accidently caught the eye of a saleslady at a kiosk and she had That Look that we all know! It says "I WILL accost you, a polite brush off will NOT work on me, and I WILL do my level best to seperate you from every cent in your wallet." She was cute and knew just how to make us stop long enough for her to get into her pitch. She simply stepped squarely in front of my husband, talking to me with a nice, warm smile, handing me a sample of something saying, "Come, let me show you something." Ah well, I figured there'd be no harm in letting her practice her sales speech, demo, then give a nice "no thank you" and leave with the little free sample. Oh how I underestimated this little sorceress!

She was selling skin and body care products with minerals from the Dead Sea in them so I actually thought that it would be fairly easy to say no at the end. I would like to be a girly girl from time to time, do my hair, put on a little makeup, wear a sexy lil dress but in reality when??? I rarely leave our property at all and I just can't see getting all dolled up to scrub a toilet or brush the horses so trying to sell me beauty products is near impossible anyway. Add in the normally RIDICULOUS price these sorts of things usually sell for and it makes it even easier for me to resist. I explained to her that I simply didn't have occassion to pamper myself with things like she was selling, I care for the house, a good number of animals, and live with five males but she expertly turned it around on me.

I had this pretty little thing with long, brown hair, gorgeous soft brown eyes, a pert little nose, and rosy full lips telling me in a firm throaty voice with a seductive little accent that all these things are part of what's so fun about being FEMALE and it was even more important for me having to deal with so much that ruins my nails and skin. She held my hand buffing a nail, rubbing scrubs, peels, lotions, and such into my hand and forearm, gently playing with my hair putting little waves and curls into it weaving her spell with expert ease. But my children won out and I'm proud to say that I kept saying that I simply couldn't do it, that money would buy just one more toy...when my husband wordlessly handed her his bank card. As we walked away he said, "merry Christmas, sweetie." I thanked him and said I only had two questions. First, what had made him do that? He laughed and said he just couldn't resist how I was just melting like warm putty in the salesgirl's hands! My second question was that of course if I got a present he should to so what did he want? He thought for a bit, hemmed and hawed until we were in the privacy of the truck then replied that he had to wait until we were alone because everything he could think of involved me in various forms of undress! Gods, once again, thank you for this man!!

We arrived home to find several people there because one decided that he was going to make homemade ziti for all of us. Lots of marvelous food, talking, laughing, and a few beers later I found myself looking back over today. It wasn't at ALL what I'd planned and it left me 56 minutes to compose and put up this post but I gotta say it was a GREAT day!

P.S. Not only was I simply twitterpated by the salesgirl, not only was she and oustanding salesperson, but her demonstrations proved to us that these products are honestly great! I'll be the guinea pig and let y'all know after a week or two of using them what I think about the products we bought today. In the meantime if you'd like to take a look go to http://www.obeyyourbody.com/

Alice down the rabbit hole

That's what I feel like, I fell down the rabbit hole the last few days. There's been some adventure, some things have been good, some not so great, but all in all it's been life as usual just busier than normal. But I won't even bore you with the list of chores keeping me busy since Saturday! One interesting thing is we have solved the case of the loose cockateil that is defying the odds of survival. Yesterday my husband called me outside to see a really sweet pup he'd found out in our pasture. He was clean, well fed, and had a nice new collar on so we figured someone might've just lost him. We put a leash on him and started to go door to door to see if anyone knew where he lived. Fortuantely the first house we checked, the older couple right next door who had let all their cockateils loose, turned out to be where the pup belonged.

We chatted with the old guy for a few minutes and found out that the reason the last cockateil I saw outside, the one I couldn't catch and was so amazed at his survival, was surviving so well is because the couple put a cage out on the back porch. Every evening the cockateil comes back to his cage for food and water! Sadly we also had to hear that one of the cockateils they turned loose, dying of dehydration, had tried to get a drink from their pool and drowned. One major mantra of animal rescue, even if I'm officially out of the business, is you can't save them all.

Also my husband is outrageously proud of himself right now because...get ready for it...he found some gadget that makes s'mores in the microwave! Yep, I'm totally serious! lol The kids love to make em, of course, and have come up with all sorts of ways to make em and some have been a bit more of a mess than others. So tonight he keeps asking me, "do you want one? You SURE? I could make you a s'more!" Finally he admitted with a bashful smile that he didn't want to eat one but he really did want to see his new little toy work! Wow I do love that goof! lol

I'll be back tomorrow for a serious session of catching up on putting a post up here and seeing what's been going on with all my bloggy buddies, promise!

Spice it up Saturday with a secret!

The warning that this blog may contain some adult content is up and it is GO TIME, baby!! It should be pretty obvious that I've had several things to work at and improve all my life but it does make me extra thankful for the things about me that have come fairly easy. I've already mentioned in a past post that I have been blessed with a healthy reproductive system and now I can say that I believe I also have somehow developed very healthy sexual attitudes too! That doesn't mean that there's been no obstacles developing these attitudes and I can only say that these attitudes work for me, not that I endorse them for everyone else.

It's no secret by now that society favors heterosexual couples where each partner is more naturally attracted to certain attributes in each other that should produce overall improvement of future generations (i.e., women with large hips and breasts and strong, virile men) produced after the parent's monogamous union has been sanctified by the church. Generally speaking this seems to be what society believes to be the pinnacle of perfection for which we all should shoot. I would dearly love to spread some type of magical potion through the entire world which would make it impossible to lie or even waffle in any way, shape, or form then have each person fill out a questionnaire all about their sexual activities and attitudes. What do you want to bet that very, very few of us are reaching this goal of perfection? Now what do you want to bet that there's an awful lot of people condemming those that aren't reaching that goal who have simply not been caught yet falling short of that goal themselves? I'm here today to tell you I fall short of that goal in just about every way possible!

*deep breath* It's time for another secret, one that I almost told in one post until I decided to tackle a different subject, one that I hope is neither some kind of big let down nor terribly repulsive. I'm bisexual and not just a little. I'm VERY bisexual. In 1948 Afred Kinsey and colleagues developed a scale, popularly referred to as the "Kinsey Scale," in an attempt to "account for research findings that showed people did not fit into neat and exclusive heterosexual or homosexual categories." Basically while interviewing people about their sexual histories they found that though a number of people identified themselves as exclusively heterosexual or exclusively homosexual "many individuals disclosed behaviors or thoughts somewhere in between."

The scale ranges from 0, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively heterosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with their same sex, to 6, for those who would identify themselves as exclusively homosexual with no experience with or desire for sexual activity with those of the opposite sex, and 1-5 for those who would identify themselves with varying levels of desire or sexual activity with either sex.

By this scale, dear friends, I am right around a 3. Yeah, torn almost exactly in two between being attracted to men and woman but very slightly preferring men. This puts a number of bumps into my road of life. First off, society has problems with anyone who doesn't identify as "by gawd, I'm straight and I'll fight anyone who so much as thinks otherwise!" (Whew, settle down now in-bred corn-fed! Even if someone DID think otherwise it wouldn't make you suddenly start craving a "tall cool one" in ways other than drinking a beer! It's pretty hilarious how they seem to think it's contagious somehow! lol) Then there is the problem of not identifying more strongly one way or the other. I can't tell you how often I've admitted this to a guy who almost invariably gives some form of the reply, "that's HOT!" As far as fulfilling HIS fantasies of having more than one woman crawling over his naked form a bisexual woman is hitting the jackpot! But once you settle down and promise forever to someone being bisexual is suddenly just WRONG. I've never understood this and probably never will. Do they really believe we can just turn it off somehow??? I'm just one more person out here telling you if you are gay or bisexual it's not something you can change! You can choose not to act on your impulses but you will forever feel that attraction to people the same gender as you!

Sexuality in general, my sexuality in particular, are subjects that I feel very strongly about! I also find them one of the more fascinating facets of human psychology because so many people do have such strong opinions and knee-jerk reactions yet there's such a huge diversity in what is deemed right, normal, and acceptable. The best way to sum up my overall opinion is whatever two or more consenting adults do, as long as they aren't harming anyone, is no one else's business. Unless of course they decide to share it with someone or a few people or whoever happens to stop by the blog to say hello!

Stamping out stagnation

These last two days I've been having a lot of fun playing the little flirt but today I've been thinking on Jon's last post, Resisting Stagnation. It really is seductively easy to fall into a routine in order to get everything done that we need to in today's busy world. Routines can be comfortable but before you know it that routine has somehow turned into a rut. Ruts tend to limit us to a point where we aren't flexible enough to handle anything new that might come up in our lives. I'd even go so far to say that if you have allowed yourself to become stagnant you aren't really living! You're surviving, existing but to really LIVE a life you've got to be willing to stretch, explore, and grow! We ALL do it but I do agree with Jon that it's something to guard against and if we find ourselves in a rut we have to fight free.

My contribution to stamping out stagnation today is one of the core beliefs of many Wiccans and Pagans, the Rede. Trying to get all Wiccans and Pagans to do things the same way is as useless as trying to herd a massive group of cats so I don't speak for all but when someone learns from me the first thing we thoroughly explore together is the Rede. Whereas Christianity has the 10 Commandments Wicca has only the Rede and it says "an it harm none do what ye will." Well heck, that makes things really simple doesn't it! As long as I don't hurt anyone I can do whatever I want!! That is what many who come to our religion think but I challenge practitioners to go further to test the bounds of this deceptively simple rule.

The logical place to start seems to me to be defining "harm." Is it anything that causes physical pain? Maybe it's anything that causes actual injury! Then what about mental/emotional/spiritual pain that leave no measurable injury that can be pointed to but does it count as "harm?" If I sliced the front of you open with a sharp object have I harmed you? What then about a surgeon who makes the exact same cut into the abdomen of a patient in an attempt to heal? Is it ok to harm some but not others? When we breathe we kill thousands of microscopic creatures but does the Rede ban harming yourself by not breathing? If we accept that killing these creatures in order to continue our own lives is still abiding by the Rede we must then ask what creatures are ok to kill and which aren't? Where's the line? Most of us have come to rely on our technology to live our lives but much of this comes at the expense of certain types of living creatures. So are we obligated to learn to live without as much technology as possible? How do we decide what we can and just simply can't live without?

The Rede is actually much more complex than it appears at first but in our struggle for self improvement it is something that I feel must be examined this closely. If we are to truly live by the Rede we must build upon it a practical working moral and ethical structure that forms how we live our lives. It's how we decide right from wrong and should be our touchstone for all aspects of our lives. I hope I helped you to stretch a little today :)

The Tease

Looks like you guys are all on board with this whole shift in the Closet to a more adult oriented place to be, some a bit more on board than others even, but in true sadis...I mean...well ok, sadistic fashion I'm arbitrarily choosing Saturday as The Day Naked in the Closet Goes XXX!! Mmm, maybe not quite that far but we'll definitely feel a bit more free to get a bit SPICY from time to time.

For now I'll just warm ya up a little with a few slightly tamer tid-bits starting with THE book that I highly recommend to everyone who has had or ever plans to have sex!
This lil gem is put out by Goofyfoot Press. Since getting this book long ago I learned that "goofyfoot" is a surfing term that simply means you lead with your left foot on the surf board (uh unless I'm getting my feet dyslexic again lol) instead of your right as most people. It's kind of picked up the meaning "to be a bit off" or "different from the rest" which is one good way to describe this book! It's jam packed with up to date information on anything you want to know about sex and more but delivers the facts in fun and hilarious ways that also just make it an enjoyable read. Just a few titles of the *71 chapters* gives you some idea what you're in for:

• Orgasms, Sunsets & Hand Grenades
• Intercourse -- Horizontal Jogging
• Better Mating Through Internet Dating
• Techno Breasts & Weenie Angst
• Kinky Corner
• Gnarly Sex Germs
• The Dirty Word Chapter
• Sex on the Interstate

When I'm not giggling my way through it's pages I keep this on the family book shelf and have pointed out it's location to all four of our boys. They know if they have any questions, concerns, or just want a conversation they can come to one or both hubs and I but they are also free to read this book all they want, no questions asked. Our biggest bookworm plucked it off the shelf and immediately nestled down on a comfy corner of the couch and was soon laughing and sharing passages with everyone else. More than once I've spotted it in their rooms but have casually not let on that I've seen it. Hubs and I are parents of the opinion that sex is normal and natural, there's nothing shameful or dirty about it in the least, and education is the way to keep them happy and healthy. If for whatever reason they don't talk to one of us about something to do with sex we are perfectly happy and comfortable telling them that they can trust the information in this book. Considering how I feel about my kiddos there is no higher praise for a book than that!

Sex in the Closet????

Bwahahahahaha!!! That's right, duckie -- S E X !!

This is actually just a quickie (heh that's what she said) to let folks know (more than one...kinky!) that I have indeed discovered how to set my blog up for adult content (heh heh huuh heh she said "adult content") so when one of my most talkative (no ball gags necessary) followers (but collars and leashes can be fun) comes over (care for a roll in the hay?) they won't be shocked (OMG that's not natural!!) by the adult content (heeehuuh heh heh she said it again) warning that precedes my blog coming up (do I really have to hand you the obvious sexual innuendo contained in those last two words????)

So in a few days or so brace yourselves as Naked in the Closet gets dirty!! lol

Randomness

That's whatcha get today, randomness. It won't be a post with one cohestive subject. It'll just be whatever falls out of my brain (ew), ok? Ok.

I like to smudge the place a bit after a big cleaning like I did for the in-laws visit last week. Sage can go stale??? UGH!! My family needs to tell me these things! I can't smell for heaven's sake! So just before the in-laws arrive I light a little smudge stick, add a pinch of sandalwood to the burning end just because I believe it will smell nice, and hear from upstairs, "What's burning?!"
"It's just a smudge stick!" I yell back.
He replies, "Oh. It's pretty stale!"
Who knew?



This is my dog Hudson named after Rock Hudson because of his good looks. Isn't he handsome? And so sweet! Look how careful he's being with the little dog :) He is everything I dreamed of having to show and breed in Great Danes! The little dog was a rescue that just never really found a home other than ours. We named him Sir Didymus after the character by the same name in Labyrinth because he's a lot like him, lotsa big yap without a lot of bite usually. He can be a really scrappy lil guy when he's pushed though and dead loyal to the end!

Now THAT'S what a Great Dane head in profile should look like!! See that all you out there breeding Danes with delicate, bitchy heads??? (fyi, "bitchy" when used this way is not a curse word but instead is a term used to mean "looking like a bitch" in the sense of "female dog" because for showing and breeding purposes a female Dane is allowed to be a bit more slender and delicate but the males never should) It's a Great Dane, not a damn Greyhound!

Is there a way to change the rating of my blog to have a warning about adult content? Last night as my love and I lay basking in afterglow the random thought suddenly struck me that I'm not going to be able to post properly about sex on here because I'm fairly blunt and earthy in that area (meaning maybe not suitable for all children of all ages). Not that I'd get straight out vulgar about anything but...ah well I'll leave it at that for now *smirk*

Which reminds me of the time I was at the stable. The trainer (barely more than a kid) and I were watching one of the mares, a particularly snotty lil wench who seemed to be in heat year round, flirt with a horse tied nearby. Later the trainer was telling the owner of the stable and said, "She had a lot of stuff draining from her boo boo." The owner and I exchanged puzzled looks while the trainer looked vaguely embarrassed and helpless for no reason I could figure out. I was just really worried because I hadn't noticed any injuries on the mare! Suddenly the owner burst out screaming in laughter, "You mean her VULVA?! Say it with me, VULLLLLL-VA!" The trainer seemed a tad offended when the owner and I almost collapsed together laughing but c'mon! It was funny and only made funnier by two grown women leaning on each other, laughing hysterically, every once in awhile screaming "VULVA!"

Do you know that I didn't get to go scuba diving at all this year!!! Granted my dive partner is my husband and he's been laid up for most of the year with horrifically shattered ribs so that's just the way the cookie crumbles. But if I'm going to be selfish and vent this lack of diving is KILLING me!!! I think everyone should scuba dive to recover from the stresses of life!! I could really just anchor myself to something and fall right asleep if it wasn't an insanely dangerous thing to do. Ah I can't wait for the return of warm weather!!

I really wish I could figure out what to do with my life. It's not that I don't have any ideas but that I have quite a few ideas with no solid way of choosing between them! Wow maybe I'll blog all about it sometime then put up a poll and let all of you choose my career! That's so crazy I may have to do it just for the sheer lunacy of it! lol

I've been super naughty and I know it. I said quite a few posts ago that I was going to tape a hypnotism script to use on myself and let y'all hear about it. Maybe I need to set a more definite goal than that and have like Self Help Saturday or Fixing Me Friday or something because I notice in blogs that you need some kinda title like that!

Speaking of which, I've really wanted to do another Making a Difference Monday but the shameful truth is I just can't really think of any good deeds in particular I've done. My life is really rather boring and routine in most ways. I rarely leave my property and when I do I generally try to go as unnoticed as possible to avoid interacting with the scary humans out there! Sure the horses and dogs think I'm a hero doing even better than good deeds just for feeding them but it just doesn't cut it for me. Hmph. Something else to figure out but not right now!!!

Nope, right now it's 10 pm and I'mma be even more naughty! (Get yur mind outta the gutter! Hm although that's REALLY not a bad idea...) Will I play WoW half the night? Seduce my husband? Have a forbidden late night chocolate fest? Read? Crochet? Have a sinfully long soak in my fabu-wonder-ous old claw foot tub? Maybe I'll combine more than one in seriously WRONG ways? Vote for your favorite and maybe I'll do that some other night!!

Losing Jonathan

Today I was all set to heave a skeleton out of the closet up on the stage for you. It wasn't easy talking myself into it but I thought jeez, this one is really not a big deal! For goodness sake, it's almost the "in" thing to be these days in some ways!! And now that you've hemmed and hawed so much about revealing further secrets because they're SOoooOOOooo awful you're gonna tell them and they're all gonna be like, "That's IT???!!!" But this morning I was working with the birds, had the tv on for a little background noise, and just as I was finishing up with the birds a show came on about a couple who lost their baby. It set the stage for me to tell a completely different kind of story than the one I was going to post.

Before I tell it though I feel the need to say a few things in no particular order. This post is likely to get a little long but it's the type of story that must be told from one end to the other leaving out nothing in between so that's how I'm going to write it. This isn't one of my secrets but it is a post that I knew I'd make one day and I've been dreading just as much as those secrets because it just hurts that bad. As a matter of fact I've never been able to think about, much less try to tell, this story without a lot of tears. Heck, I'm misting up right now even getting this close to telling it! So you may want a tissue. Anyone with a penis that cringes when someone so much as says words like "menstruation", "uterus", or even "PMS" brace yourselves with a stiff drink cause this is one of those "women's junk" stories. And if you are someone who is in a place -- in your life, where you're at emotionally, whatever -- where reading a no-punches-pulled story about the death of a child will harm you please skip this post!!

To begin I have to explain to you that unlike some unlucky women I have an exceptionally robust, healthy reproductive system!! My periods are a breeze with no PMS, very rarely I may have some very light cramps but usually nothing, they're regular enough you could practically set your calendar by them, they last exactly how long they should on average and I bleed exactly how much I should on average. I get pregnant with no problems during which I'm hyper careful to eat right, exercise regularly, rest up if I feel at all tired, go to every doctor's visit, and rabidly avoid medication (even though the doctors said it was ok), cigarettes, or alcohol. In both the pregnancies that gave me my I-love-them-beyond-all-reason boys I never had morning sickness, carried them with ease, gave birth in routine ways (one c-section after 25 hours of no drugs labor, the lil stinker, then one just about by-the-book-perfect VBAC)...heck I didn't even have weird cravings!! Then I went on to have perfectly healthy children that I breastfed with ease. To tell you the truth, in both pregnancies I felt BETTER than normal!! During the end of the second trimester of my first pregnancy we moved and I was lifting boxes, rearranging furniture, and joyfully nesting away while everyone around me had complete heart attacks every time they caught me doing it! I swear to you, my uterus has a big, bold, red S stamped right on it!!

During my Year of Hell I got pregnant for the third time. When your whole life is swiftly spiralling the toilet and your entire future is in question is maybe not the smartest time to get pregnant, I admit but...how can I explain without giving excuses? I made mistakes, maybe some not so smart choices, and I own those but I also want to give the weight to where I was at in life and in myself that it deserves because it was an awful time. I was truly in the fight of my life, a fight to even have a life! If I won the battles I was in I felt that things would be ok but if I didn't I honestly couldn't see, couldn't even conceive of a future. In all the chaos, anger, and pain I wasn't as careful as I normally would've been about where I was at in my cycle or in taking my birth control without fail. Because of that I probably had no business having sex at all but I can't tell you how unbelieveably precious it was to me just then to feel warm, loved, safe, and wanted even if for a short time!! For a few moments in time he was my rock in the middle of the storm that I could cling to and recover my breath that I desperately needed! And I also have to admit that there were times, especially all alone late at night when the ugly voices were at their very worst, that I drew a great deal of comfort curling up around my still flat belly knowing that this was one person that I selfishly had all to myself to love, who needed and would one day love me completely, and no one could take him away from me for even a second during those nine months.

Because my cycle is so regular I found out quickly about this pregnancy and as usual started doing all I could right away to give this baby the very best start in life that I possibly could. This time I asked the doctor if I should continue taking the Paxil for my depression because I didn't know if the risk of harm would be greater from the medication or the increased strain and stress on me, and therefore the baby, during a time of already incredible turmoil. He assured me that not only was it perfectly safe but that I was very correct that the added stress of stopping the medication could well do the baby and I real harm. Even so I was a little worried about whether I was doing the right thing or not but I chalked it up to an unreasonable distrust of doctors. The first time I heard my baby's heartbeat and heard that everything was just fine I relaxed a little. When I started my fourth month of pregnancy without a hint of trouble I pushed the worries aside. Women who are going to miscarry usually do in the first three months then more and more rarely as time goes on. I had a shining medical record in this area, loads of doctors, studies, and statistics telling me everything was fine, and that strong, steady heartbeat as proof that I could look forward to having another wonderful little person in my life. It gave me something in my future that I could be happy about.

Early one morning in my fifth month of pregnancy I woke up as usual and stayed cuddled under the covers for a bit still drowsy when suddenly, right out of nowhere, I felt a strange, distinct "POP" deep within that startled me into complete alertness. It didn't hurt but felt almost exactly as if someone had thumped me very sharply or had somehow snapped me with a rubber band. I lay tense for a few moments with a sense of great unease but when nothing else seemed to happen I sat up. Right away I felt a very warm rush of wetness. A little more alarmed but telling myself that I was just being silly I went to the bathroom as normal. When the paper came out with a little blood I told myself that even though I hadn't had spotting in my other pregnancies each one was different and a little spotting certainly wasn't unheard of in a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy. But leaning forward to stand up there was another small wet rush with a little more blood, a small ache began deep inside, and the reassuring voice in my head started to sound frantic. I hesitated to wake my friends but thought better safe than sorry as I wadded up a towel to hold between my legs. Bless them they weren't the least concerned at being awakened and bundled me straight into the car.

I huddled in my seat, arms wrapped around my belly as if I could somehow protect the the little life there, with an ever growing pain inside, a towel inside my pants that felt increasingly wet and tears coursing down my face. The reassuring-voice-turned-frantic had changed to screaming desperately over and over in my head "they do such miracles in medicine now days, this is nothing at all to them, the doctors can fix this, the doctors can make this all right again, everything's going to be fine." It tried with sheer volume to drown out the note of pure fear in my mind but couldn't quite blot it out. I was as scared as I ever had been in my life.

He helped me inside and even threw a fit when the nurses told me to wait in the waiting room until they brought me back. A nurse calmly asked a few questions and had me take down my pants to see the towel within. I had to grab the chair, my legs gone weak, when I saw just how bloody that towel was but that voice in my head just kept right on screaming. Despite the voice's efforts I feel like I somehow started to drift away from reality about then, only a little bit, just enough to soften the edges of everything but leaving me in control of myself. The nurse sent me to the bathroom for a urine sample.

I remember standing in front of the toilet staring dumbly at the little cup and sterile wipes for just a second before taking my pants back down again and sitting. When I reached under with the cup to catch the stream something was odd but I couldn't understand what. It was like something was just out of place somehow. So I carefully set the cup aside and felt to see what was going on and found a strange weight dangling on a cord that lead inside me. Bewildered I pulled and with an easy little "snap" I pulled the weight up to see what it was and the voice in my head quit screaming. I remember best thin, fragile arms ending in such perfect little hands and fingers only so tiny, a head too large for such a small thing with two little dark circles for eyes, and the whole, warm little weight fit easily in just one of my own small hands. It took a second-forever to register that this was my baby. After a few more seconds-forevers a voice, startlingly clear and bold with the finality of a door slamming loudly in the silence of my head, said, "It's over. There's no way the doctors can fix this now."

I cuddled him to my chest to keep him warm, covering him protectively under my chin for who knows how long while I thought. What should I do? I very distinctly asked myself, "Should I start screaming? Is that the appropriate thing to do now?" and imagined nurses rushing in telling me exactly what to do and ending this strange detatched, calmness. It seemed like that would be a relief of sorts, not having to figure out the right thing to do next. I was so very, very tired of trying to puzzle out what the right thing to do next was in my life just then. But I reasoned that if I could consider calmly whether to scream or not I probably shouldn't. After all, you can't PLAN to scream! That kind of calm thought process precluded screaming. When people scream it's because the scream just comes out without thought. I didn't want to leave him but I told myself I had to because the people outside might be starting to worry about me. I took a few paper towels at the sink, folded them carefully, put him down on it, then gently covered him up with another like tucking him into bed before reluctantly leaving. There was a wheelchair waiting there for me and I told them "someone should check the bathroom" before sitting down.

As I sat there it's as if I started to thaw out somehow. First I felt tears running down my cheeks then it's as if I came awake all in a huge, overwhelming rush of agony! I half lunged up out of the wheelchair before hands held me down as I started screaming "My baby! My baby! I have to get my baby!!" Arms went around me and held me close as the screaming slowly dwindled down to wracking sobs of "I just want him back! I just want my baby back!" I can't explain the feelings. There just aren't words to say how hugely, crushingly, bereft I was. It's like a mountain sitting on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally to even try to remember it clearly enough to explain it. Bigger than huge. Blacker than black. Despair with no end.

Then my memory starts to come and go about precisely what happened for a little while after that. The prick of a needle almost passes without my notice. I only remember it because it struck me as odd that I just barely felt it at all. I was on my back on an exam table. There was a warm hand on my shoulder and a male voice saying, "I'm so sorry." I turned my face away from him and felt tears still streaming steadily from my eyes. People were moving around, talking, doing things between my legs. A small noise escaped me. A gentle male voice from between my legs said "I know, sweetheart, but we're almost done." I dully thought to myself, "I don't care. Do whatever you want. It doesn't change anything." I may have fallen asleep? Maybe more than once? I have no idea. I could've been there for minutes or days.

The next thing I remember is being wheeled to somewhere else. A nurse came in and asked me that question that every woman is asked, is there any way I could be pregnant or even suspect I could be pregnant? That's when I know I came completely awake and aware and stared at her for a minute. Did she really just ask me that??? Didn't they have paperwork or even mention about why I was there and what had happened up to that point??? A white hot fury shook me then completely burning away all the sadness in an instant! I didn't recognize my own voice as I visciously snarled at her, "NOT ANYMORE!!!" I sat there glaring at her, tensed as if I'd leap at her any minute. A shock of realization hit her eyes then and all the anger just flowed back out of me. There might've been a flash of sympathy in her face before she stood up and quickly left the room without another word. I don't know. I didn't care. I fell back wearily into my drowning pool of emotions and blessedly spotty memory. My regular doctor got between my legs and examined me. He said some words of it wasn't my fault and sometimes these things just happen. Then my memory of that time fades out.

Nothingness.

As empty as my body.

How does she do it?

If you ask me Cinerella must've had a little magic of her own for that place to have been so sparkling clean and contrary to what anyone might think there is no spell in existence that will work a Fantasia on your house! For a Witch to get the house clean we have to use good ole elbow grease just like anyone else. The only example I had for how to clean house was my mom. She worked full time and did pretty much all the cooking and cleaning. She was really obsessive compulsive about it all too! At dinner you hardly dared get up for a drink because you could return to the table to find your plate gone and don't you complain about it!! That was a sure fire way to get everyone all riled up!

Me: Mom! I wasn't done! I only got up to (insert anything you like because it doesn't change what comes next)!

Mom: (looking totally hassled, frustrated, and fed up) Well I didn't know that! I guess I'm supposed to stand around ALL night waiting to make sure that you're REALLY done with your plate before I can wash it! It's not like I have anything better to do, right? I mean, that's all I'm here for isn't it? To cook and clean for all of you?

From there you can guess that the best thing you could really do is be quiet and make a stealthy escape as soon as possible. She tried to get us to do some chores a few times but we could never get it just like she wanted it, perfect.

I decided early in life that I was NOT going to make myself miserable like that. Two things I really wanted in life was a nice little home of my own and a family to go in it. That was part of my dream so why would I want to spoil it by trying to keep it so sterile that everyone's afraid to move lest they shed a skin cell on something?! My home is for LIVING IN! Yeah the cat boxes need scooping again, there's more seeds and bits on the tile from the birds, there's dustbunnies hiding behind the bowflex, the couch cover needs washed again...who cares?! There is no strange, unidentifiable something lurking in a corner haboring dreams of using it's toxicity to off us all in the quiet of the night. Nothing is growing fuzz unless it's supposed to be fuzzy. Ok with so many people and pets sharing a space there is an off smell here and there from time to time but it's always tracked down and thoroughly eliminated. Really if you can't handle an odd smell why on earth would you share your home with FIVE males and a large, gas prone Great Dane??? When you die there isn't someone at the Pearly Gates ready to do a white glove test on your home to determine if you're worthy of Paradise! At any rate I'm happy with this piece of my life so I don't need to fix what's not broken, right?

Short and sweet

The minutes are slipping away until the in-laws come to visit and I still haven't scooped the cat boxes today! AAAAAAHHHHHH! So for the moment I'm gonna keep things quick then hope I get the chance to spend a bit more time a little later on. I haven't found a new blog to follow in a while so I decided to click a link from one of the blogs I already follow and see what I'd find. Silly me I clicked on...

Have you seen how honkin big this list is??? lol Needless to say I just can't go through all the blogs on this list today so instead I thought why not sign up? Then I can take the rest of my life to browse all these blogs if I really want to, right? I don't want to dash willy-nilly through them! I like to take my time, savor the experience, and delight in the anticipation of the blogs still to read. Plus, hello! Pagan here! lol And on the whole some of the most wonderful people I've ever met have been Pagan. I really think that there's something about a religion that a person can tailor to suit them while still sharing at least some beliefs with the whole, a religion that's positive, loving, and accepting, that really brings together some of the best and most interesting people. So I haven't read your blogs yet but believe me, I'm looking forward to reading them, learning more about everyone, and seeing some friendly faces!

What would you do?

I'd like to try to give this story as objectively as possible to let people answer freely so I hope you'll forgive me if this comes out on the unemotional side.

My son's step mother called me tonight to discuss something with me. She said that there's been rumors at my son's school that someone plans to bring a gun to shoot teachers and students tomorrow. My son says he's scared and doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. Points to consider that were brought up in our discussion:

1. Many parents have called the school and have been told that this rumor has been thoroughly investigated by them and police. They are assuring parents that this was just a rumor spread by someone wanting to stir up trouble.
2. There's been no incidences at this school having to do with weapons but there has been an increase in serious fights.
3. My son has a good attendance record and good grades.
4. Giving in to these kinds of threats gives the perpetrators power which could increase the number of incidents.
5. Allowing my son to stay home from school may send him the message that it's ok to live your life in fear.
6. My son openly gripes about school and has been known to wiggle out of a day here and there. It's possible he could see this as a way to get out of going to school in the future.
7. Where do you draw the line between protection and over protecting?

Would you keep your son home from school or not? I'll reveal which way I decided after folks have had a chance to have their say :)

P.S. No matter which way you lean on the subject I would really appreciate any prayers, energy or anything else people care to send for the protection of the teachers and students of my son's school tomorrow!

Pot Pourri

Nothin fancy, revealing, or particularly heartrending going into the blog today. Nope, today is all about zoning out while cleaning to let Conscious Mind take a hike so Subconscious Mind can ponder and sending supportive, healing energies to poor Jon as he recovers from the horror of The Dentist. So for my post today I'll just toss out this and that about me that you don't know.

• Throughout my childhood the only thing I wanted to be was a veterinarian.
• Now that I'm an adult I don't know what I want to do for a career!
• When I'm in a mood for it I love liver and onions.
• I spent my first days of life in a Catholic convent.
• My favorite colors are blue and green.
• I'm an Aquarius.
• I love swimming!
• One son says I'm a "pimp" or a "straight up g" and assures me that those are compliments.
• In school I was a long distance runner.
• I actually love fighting, tried and enjoyed Tae Kwon Do and fencing, and would really like to get back into one of them.

A fond memory

A memory from high school came to me yesterday that made me smile. I wanted to post it up sooner but then hubs asked me to help with something and I got all off track and...well you know how that goes. It also hit me that my in-laws will be here Sunday and I have so much to clean!!! lol They are so great that I don't want the house to be some dog smellin wreck when they get here! I fell completely in love with them the first time they asked me what my two sons like, clothes sizes, and if they already had a college fund started because they said "they're our grandsons too now, you know?" That is just one of the sweetest, big hearted, kind... I could gush on about that forever but it's also wandering off on a tangent, yes? lol

Growing up my best friend's family were from Europe. Her mother taught French at the local high school so from early on I was gentley prodded about it. "When you get to my school you will then take French from me, riiiiight?" Eh, I didn't care which language I took as long as I took one to look good on my college applications. Besides I loved Tina's* mom! Being at their house was a welcome escape from my own and Madame was a mother figure I admired.

Sure enough when the time came I took up French class but I learned more than I thought I would. Not only was learning a new language fun but it was practically effortless for me! In some ways it wasn't always easy, being asked on a weekend if I was over visiting because I'd finished my French homework or spoken to a bit more personally than others in class, but I could tell that she was proud of how well I did in her class. The one time I forgot an assignment all I got was a very sorrowful look and, "you disappoint me today." She assigned me a chapter to translate from French to English to make up for it. I translated it but went so far as to make copies of the pages adding my translation in the exact same place on the pages where the French words were! She smiled at the extra effort and I knew all was forgiven.

I loved it so much not only did I sign up for French II my senior year but I also decided to try Spanish. It was a little odd, the only senior sitting amongst all the lower classmen, and it probably didn't help matters that the teacher singled me out commenting that I was taking both French and Spanish, which was unheard of, but I was strangely proud of it. Normally I wouldn't dare do too well or too poor in school, afraid of drawing undue attention from my parents, but in French and Spanish it was almost like I didn't have a choice! It just came very naturally to me and I found that it wasn't at all confusing to take both at the same time. On the contrary, one only seemed to compliment and strengthen the other for me. Plus I could tell that this teacher was every bit as delighted by my progress in Spanish as Madame was of my French and it was very rewarding to have an adult pleased with me without fear of possible fallout.

In Spanish I sat behind a sophmore, Lacy*. She seemed to be an indifferent student, more interested in the social aspects of school than the academic, so I got various looks intended to insult and hurt which just rolled off my back. If I returned her gaze at all it was with a bland, blank look. At some point I noticed that her looks got longer and more and more she seemed to be studying me like a scientist might examine a strange new bug. Finally one day she turned around and boldly announced that not only could she but she would beat my grade in the class. Far from being upset by this pronouncement I calmly told her, "good, I hope you do." She was a bit taken aback at first, expecting a different reaction I imagine, but slowly a smile grew on her face as she realized that I was serious.

From that day on we became friends of a sort. We didn't associate outside of class but neither of us snubbed the other in the halls either. In class we were a kind of magic! We talked when we could, helped each other, competed in a friendly fashion...we had a great time and both of us were just swimming in A's. A few times when we were a little too chatty I sense that the teacher went a tiny bit easy on us for it because she knew exactly what was going on and was loving it!

Towards the end of the year she told me in all earnestness, "You really helped me. I wouldn't have done half this good if I wasn't trying to beat you." We both teared up and hugged and when the school year ended never saw each other again.

Even after all these years I get a little misty thinking about that. It's so gratifying to me to know that for one person, maybe for just a very short time, I made a real difference in her life for the better. That's just one of the best feelings in the world to me! It makes my heart swell with love and happiness, I feel energized and ready to tackle the next challenge! I know I have more of it inside me and I really want to find a way to make people and this world better. It didn't bring me money or fame and I don't care a thing about that. I absolutely do not ever want fame, that would probably be like torture for me, and though money would be nice I already have enough for my family and I to be comfortable and that's all that really matters. What I really want most right now is a career filled with more moments just like that where I help in some meaningful way, big or small. Think Santa has one in his bag for me?

*of course I changed their names!!